Hi, kiddies"”long time, no see. I apologize for the hiatus: I had midterms, and then I had to embark on a two week bender in order to properly celebrate the birth of Suri Cruise .

That's right, friends: Suri is here, and all is right in the world!

As a Celebrity Now exclusive, I am thrilled to bring you the first photo of Baby Suri, which I tracked down the old-fashioned way: bribes, back alleys, and a full-contact race up the AggroCrag . This is one gumshoe who wants the best for her readers, no matter the cost. From what I can tell, Suri is your standard healthy baby, rosy cheeks and the like. We should note that a baby's eye color generally changes after the first few months, so you can expect Suri's red eyes to dull into a mute, empty invisible shade just like her mommy's (Katie Holmes ).

I took some time the other night to watch Papa Cruise on David Letterman, and while he didn't do anything observably crazy, I'm pretty sure I saw some placenta dribbling down his chin. That said, I think we all need to cut Tommy a little slack for that particular soundbite; he was probably quoted out of context, and also, eating placenta is indubitably customary on whatever planet the baby comes from. Like Angelina , Tom Cruise just wants his kid to understand "her heritage."�

Moving to the Jolie-Pitts and the third-most anticipated birth in history (to Suri and the Messiah, in that order), unquestionably reliable sources at Namibia's Welwitschia Hospital report that Angie and Brad are looking into a water birth. Another source claims the couple is planning to name the child "Africa."� From all accounts, it would seem that Brangelina is (are?) making a fourth-quarter push for the Silliest Parents of the Year Award.

Competition is stiff in that category, however, especially with the recent announcement that Britney Spears is, in fact, pregnant (as well as fat). Ever the dutiful hubby, Kevin Federline took a break from absolutely sucking at rap to knock up the former teen queen for the second time in as many years. Britney will now have two babies to drop on their heads, which should be almost enough to distract her from a disintegrating career and a drug-addled leech of a husband.

Cue Charlie Sheen joke. Things may have been bad for wife Denise Richards the past few years, what with Charlie's drugs, porn, and death threats, but the tables have certainly turned on Mr. Sheen. After the public airing of his divorce papers and the public-er Denise and Richie Sambora hook-up, things hit an all-time low for Charlie with the debut of his line of toddler clothing. Dude has seriously been trudging around Hollywood plugging white bohemian skirts for four-year-olds. Irresistible kiddie porn jokes aside, did some PR flack out there actually think children's clothing was a good way to clean up his image? Has that person been fired yet, and if so, can I have her job? (Graduation is looming.)
Another passenger on the Bad-PR train, Lindsay Lohan takes the stage this week in the role of Slutty Ambulance Chaser, lapping up the sloppy seconds of former friend Paris Hilton . Paris recently split with her second consecutive Greek shipping heir boyfriend, Stavros Niarchos , who should be applauded for his ability to bedhop amongst the under-30 starlet set despite his monstrous, Aniston-esque nose. Stavros, who left Mary Kate Olsen for Paris, was spotted leaving Lindsay's Chateau Marmont digs in the wee hours, while Paris was seen lunching with Heisman Trophy winner Matt Leinart . If you remember anything from this paragraph, let it be that Lindsay slept with another random, C-list dude who will inevitably leave her crying/screaming/grafitiing bathroom walls in the near future. The sun rises in the East, and Lindsay gets jilted. Embrace it.

Moving from jilted to jilter, Jessica Simpson was spotted wearing her old wedding ring around her neck. I don't really care about this any more than you do, but it does allow for a nice segue to sister Ashlee , who apparently got a nose job. This fact makes me feel all warm inside, like I'm back in high school, evaluating the various procedures and adjustments made to the cheerleading squad over the summer. Memories. A few people seem to be in a tizzy over the nose job, as the younger Simpson was quoted only last year a saying she would never indulge in reconstruction, but as far as I'm concerned, Ashlee can do anything as long as she doesn't go back to the black hair. That was a terrible, terrible hair cut, and a terrible, terrible color.

Finally, I don't follow American Idol all that much, as it focuses on average people and I deal in celebrities, but Paula Abdul has really been making a spectacular ass of herself. I'd love to get my hands on her crack recipe (I'd also like to meet the cartoon cat from "Opposites Attract,"� while we're making unlikely Paula demands), but in the meantime, keep it up, girlfriend. You make airtime with Ryan Seacrest almost bearable, and that is a rare gift indeed.