I had an argument with one of my roommates about the staying power of Lindsay Lohan . Roomie's argument was the obvious anti-Lindsay stuff: no talent, father in jail, coked out all the time, will sooner or later be impregnated by some Hollywood sleazeball. I countered with screen presence, fashion sense, chameleon-like hair capabilities, but I think the clincher was this: even when she's fucking up, you have to love La Lohan.

Seriously, no amount of scandal can make this girl unlikable. Scrawling "Scarlett [Johansson] is a cunt"� in a club bathroom? Delightful. Flashing the audience at the Kids' Choice Awards ? Oh, you crazy thing, you. Dropping an unhealthy amount of weight due to excessive drug use? You go, girlfriend"”you finally proved your boobs are real.

This, Brandon Davis , is why you are stupid. There are plenty of other reasons why you are stupid, including, but not limited to, your inexplicable greasiness and being dumped by Mischa Barton for a poor man's Axl Rose , but the main reason: taking on Lindsay Lohan. Party foul, dude.

That said, God in Heaven, was that video funny. I think I've watched it at least 20 times, and its delicious absurdity just grows with time. Most of the slurs have been documented by the media at large, but I want to make sure the super grotesque comments get printed here, as I don't have censors. So yes, Lindsay has a 7-foot clit, and she also shits freckles out her vagina. On a personal note, "firecrotch"� is an extremely humorous and timely insult to yell at opposing sports teams, as I discovered at our women's lacrosse game last weekend. A helpful tip from me to you, kids.

Anyway, Brandon has reportedly apologized to Lindsay, probably under duress (read: gunpoint) from his oil-trafficking family, but Paris Hilton still denies any part in the affair. This is a logical strategy, seeing as she can be seen in all three minutes and thirty-eight seconds of the video, sometimes laughing and sometimes egging Brandon on. I've doubted the Hilton family publicist before, specifically during the whole illegal pet monkey thing, but Elliot Mintz , I take it back; you obviously know what you're doing. I'm sorry for the hate.

To top things off, Paris was spotted playing an angry voice message from Lindsay to a group of friends and then calling LiLo "a cunt."� No points for originality, Paris, but I can understand your anger: not only is Lindsay now banging your ex Stavros Niarchos in retaliation, but she's come out of this whole thing looking better than ever. It's like, yeah, motherfucker, she's fine, but you? Single, loose (yeah, I meant it like that), and hanging out with Brandon "Chunk"� Davis. I rest my case.

So here's to you, Lindsay. Despite the nipple shots and ugly boyfriends, I hereby declare you Supreme Starlet Slore of all Celebritydom . All hail La Lohan.

We now move from the Best to the Worst of Hollywood, which can only mean one person: Britney Spears . I would like to devote the rest of this column to an elegy for Britney, who in the past couple weeks has hosed her life so badly that she will probably never recover. For those of you who did not study ancient poetry in high school/college (no, I didn't either. Really.), an elegy is a poem of mourning. Which we should all be doing, for Britney, right now. So, without further ado:

An Elegy for Britney
I still remember it like yesterday,
The first time that your song did fill my ears:
"I must confess, that my loneliness"� stays,
Your absence from the stage brings me to tears.

You used to be so hot, so spry, so chic,
A virgin, and A Slave 4 U (4 Me?),
Now KFed takes your money, makes you weak,
More babies, weight gain, wear no shoes to pee.

Child Services came by, they were concerned,
And so are we, because of your demise.
How to install a car-seat, you should learn,
And kicking out your husband might be wise.

The best years are behind you Brit, and yet,
Your voice, your moves, your heart, we won't forget.

[moment of silence for the departed]

I leave you here, my fellow travelers. Next time: Angelina Jolie gives birth to the most perfect human being in recorded history, and Africa riots in joy. Keep your ears to the ground and your nose to the grind. I know I will.