Hey Dude, I'm Your Freshman Year Roommate!

Hello? Is this Matt? What's up man, I'm your freshman year roommate! Yeah dude, good to finally put a voice to a name, too, right? Oh man, I'm so pumped for this year. I don't know about you but I can't wait to get away from my parents. They're just, like, always bugging me about cleaning my room and not staying out late, ya know? What's that? You're a Mormon? Do you have, like, four moms? Whoa dude, calm down, it was just a joke"¦Oh, I see, you don't "do"� jokes"¦sorry?

Anyway dude, what kind of stuff are you planning on bringing? Clothes? Oh"¦ok, yeah, I guess that was kind of a given but I mean, like, are you bringing the TV or do you want me to, that kind of stuff. Oh, well I guess I'll just bring the TV then"¦well, nobody is going to force you to watch it"¦so you're saying it's against your beliefs to live in a dwelling that has a working TV? I don't know man, that doesn't sound like Mormonism to me"¦Ok, ok, chill out, dude. You're right, you're the expert on Mormonism, I guess.

Whatever, I guess I can live without TV for a year. It'd probably be better for me anyway, right? Oh, but I wanted to ask you if you got this letter from the director of Res Life about the drinking policy? You did? How lame is that, right? Dude, fuck that letter, I'm gonna bring a bottle of teq"¦wait, so you don't drink at all? Only the blood of the One True Christ? What's that, like, wine? Oh, I see, it's actual blood"¦from a dog? Really? Wow. Ok, well, you drink your stuff, I'll drink mine I guess. No, no, that's cool, I'll pass on drinking the blood; more for you, right?! *coughs nervously*


So, dude, I talked to my older brother and he said that one thing you and I should sort out now is the sexile policy. What's a sexile policy? Oh, it's just, like, an agreement between you and I about what we'll do if the other one brings a girl home, ya know? No, no, no, you don't have to sign anything"¦.no, it's not a school sanctioned policy"¦dude, it's just an informal agreement between you and I, there's no need to call the RA and ask him about it"¦DUDE, do NOT call the RA.! Nevermind, alright. I guess I'll just go to her room. Whatever.

Oh, before I forget, what kind of computer do you have? I have a laptop with a wireless card so if you have one too we can get a wireless rout"¦wait, you're saying you don't have a computer? So, you have a computer but you don't believe in the Internet? But what about doing research for papers and stuff"¦Ok, so let me get this straight, you refuse to allow wireless internet in the room because the Jew media uses the wireless signals to monitor your brainwaves? Did I get that right? Jesus. I guess I can just get a cable modem but I'm pretty sure you're wrong about Jews stealing your ideas from wireless Internet signals. Better safe than sorry? Yeah, whatever dude"¦


Dude, I don't want to get off on the wrong foot but you're being kind of stubborn about living together. What do I mean? What I mean is you have to make compromises when it comes to living with someone else. Like, I do something to make your life easier and you do the same back for me. An example? OK, so I said I wouldn't bring a TV because you asked me not to, so then you would do something like work out a sexile agreement with me or just deal with wireless Internet in the room. You see? What's that? You'd never have to make compromises like this at home? Yeah, well, college isn't home, man? Don't you have any brothers or sisters who've told you about what college is like? You're an only child? Oh"¦that explains a lot. See you next week.

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