Lots of us want to kill our neighbors. Here's how!
-Push him down the stairs.
-Poison his coffee.
-Convince him he's dying. I mean
really convince him.
-Encourage diseased hamsters to run amok in his apartment.
(I heard you could die from that.)
-Stab him.
-Make him watch any show on the Disney channel.
-Watch an episode of "Unsolved Mysteries"¯ with him. Then when it's done, turn to him and say, "I wonder when they're gonna solve your mystery."¯ When he gets freaked out, say your just kidding. Then when he relaxes again"¦Kill him with a broom.
-Let a cat loose in his bedroom. (This works best if he has a cat allergy that is fatal.)
-Hire a hitman.
-Smile at him in a very creepy way for 30 consecutive hours until he kills himself.
-If your neighbor is easily swayed by peer pressure, tell him all his friends just jumped off a bridge.
-Push him off a bridge yourself. For this one, you can either a) Follow him to a bridge. Or b) Pick out a random bridge he might someday cross, and wait.
-Put needles in his Halloween candy. Then go over to his house and continually say, "Man, that candy looks good! I'm full, but you should have some."¯
-Hire a prostitute to fuck him to death. (This is only if you also kinda like him.)
-Get him into a persistive vegetative state, and just bide your time. After several years, you will be allowed to pull the plug. Congress may get involved, but they won't stop it.
-Introduce him to Robert Blake.
-Get into his apartment and leave banana peels EVERYWHERE!!!
-Choke him to death.
-Make him listen to nothing but Tori Amos and Avril Lavigne.
-Send him to Iraq.
-Replace his powdered sugar with Anthrax! (For $39.95 I'll sell you a map to Anthrax selling farms. Or for $42.50, I'll sell you a map to Anthrax selling farms
and celebrity homes!)
-Poke out his eyes with twisty straws.
-Send him on vacation to Aruba.
-Fill his apartment with water, and then unleash deadly eels.
(If he can't swim, save money on the eels.)
-Tell a street gang he called their bandanas gay.
-Spray him in the face with death spray.
(Although this is bad for the environment.)
-Take him bungee jumping, and tell him it's
really extreme if you don't use the bungee.
-Or, lastly, shoot him in the face.
Good luck everybody!
Ben Gleib performs weekly at Collegehumor.com Night at the Hollywood Improv. For tickets, or funny videos, log onto myspace.com/gleib
Recording...
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