Cocaine: The Energy Drink

by Jakob Lodwick on October 09, 2006

There's a new energy drink coming out called "Cocaine" that gets you so jazzed up, you feel like you're on cocaine. I guess. There's so little information available about this real drink, I thought I'd compile some, as well as invent some lies.

Cocaine Fact #1: Everyone knows that Coca-Cola used to have cocaine in it. But did you know that Cocaine used to have Coca-Cola in it? It's true!

Cocaine Fact #2: Inventor Jamey Kirby claims Cocaine is "350 percent stronger than Red Bull". Actually, it contains 350% the caffeine of Red Bull, making it merely 250% stronger!

Cocaine Fact #3: Pregnant women who drink Cocaine regularly can induce labor after only seven and a half months of pregnancy.

Cocaine Fact #4: Can I borrow fifty bucks?

Cocaine Fact #5: Do you respect me? Tell me you respect me! You respect me, right? I swear to God I'll pay you back in three hours. Come on! Fifty bucks!