CollegeHumor

The Excuse Matrix

by Streeter Seidell on October 24, 2006

You can't be expected to take every stupid test your professors give in college, right? So why not use this handy excuse matrix to craft a perfect excuse for any situation. The best part is that you can mix and match any of the victims to any of the tragedies to create totally new excuses! They all fit perfectly! Really!

The Victim :: The Tragedy

My Dad	...is in the hospital. I...I don't think (s)he has much longer.
My Mom	...just came out of the closet. (S)He needs me now.
My Sister	...died. I can't say how because I'm named as a suspect, but I'll make up the test when I get back.
My Brother	...really, really misses me. Like, a lot, or whatever.
My Grandma	...is getting married and I have to stop it! There's no time to explain!
My House	...caught on fire
My other Grandma	...just had a baby!
My Uncle John (we all have one)	...turns 47 tomorrow. How can I miss that party?
Your Grandma	...isn't sick, but we have to cherish the time we have together, ya know?
My Dog	...ran away from home. We're all pretty broken up about it.