A Very Special Halloween Journal

Dear Journal, This week I got back to New York and started preparing for Halloween. I usually don't celebrate Halloween because of a traumatic childhood experience. In kindergarten we were supposed to wear a costume for Halloween and my parents forgot to get me a costume, so at the last minute they just threw on this furry vest from my mom's closet. And I went go to school and people were like, "What's your costume?"� and I was like, "I'm an Indian."� And they were like, "No, you're a loser."� Looking back on that experience, I can't help but wonder, "Why did my mom have that furry vest?"� Halloween is the only holiday on which hot girls just dress up as even hotter girls and guys dress up as pirates. It's truly the only time of year when pirates get a positive spin. If you think about pirates, they're just some sea-faring robbers with eye patches and parrots who say, "Arrrgh,"� but on Halloween they're like superheroes. Everyone's like, "Give him a chance. He's says, "˜arrgh.' That's adorable!"� But I'm excited about Halloween again, because I now have 2 nephews and a niece. And kids get excited about Halloween. Actually, kids get excited about anything. When I was in grade school, we used to get excited about Book Fair. You know why? Because nothing else ever happened. The most eventful thing that happened in 4th grade was that once a month we'd have pizza day and once a year they'd bring a whole truck of books. And I'd always end up buying a book that would introduce me to a hobby I would never actually pursue, like karate. And every year I would practice karate in my living room for an entire day, or at least until I broke a lamp. In retrospect, I think these karate books lacked the personal touch of an Asian mentor with a collection of classic cars that I could wax and someday own. So this year I decided to dress up for Halloween as Sleepy Karl, my sleep-addicted alter ego. When I couldn't find a costume shop, I went into a sex shop on my corner and asked if they had a gray beard and they looked at me like I was crazy. I was thinking, "Who's to say my girlfriend isn't into absurdly old men? Maybe she wants to get down with Santa Claus."� The more I thought about it, the angrier I became. "A store that sells 40 different kinds of ball gags is going to judge me? No thanks, Good Vibrations!"� So I went to my niece's Halloween parade and I noticed that kids today have much more elaborate costumes. When I was a kid and someone wanted to dress up as Big Bird, they might put on a yellow shirt and some kind of strap-on beak. But today, the kids wear the actual costume that the actor playing Big Bird actually wears. Whereas kids might have dressed up as Mr. Hooper or Gordon by wearing a turtleneck, kids today hire those actors to trick or treat for them. So I hadn't worn a costume in years since my run in with the wool vest in kindergarten, but I decided to put on my Sleepy Karl costume and give it a shot. One of the mothers at the parade came up to me and asked, "What's your costume?"� And I said, "Sleepy Karl."� And she said "What?"� and I said, "my sleep-addicted alter ago who takes over for the night shift and tries to convince me not to wake up."� And she said, "Who?"� and I said "I'm Santa Claus."� And she said, "No, you're a loser."� And that concludes this week's entry in My Secret Public Journal.