Here's a look at the week's biggest news stories...and what they mean for you, the typical college student/homeless guy using the internet at the public library.
"˘Britney Spears files for divorce
What that means for you:
When you jerk off to Britney Spears, your fantasies don't have to include K-Fed's penis anymore. Don't have to, but still will, of course.
"˘Reese Witherspoon files for divorce.
What that means for you:
If you want to be obnoxious at a party, listen to a couple people gossip about the details of Britney's divorce for like two minutes then interrupt them mid-sentence by yelling: "ALSO REESE WITHERSPOON GOT DIVORCED!!!" Though you're already pretty obnoxious, right?
"˘A Governor attempting to vote on Tuesday was turned away from the voting booth because he forgot his registration card.
What that means for you:
When the gloating president of the campus Democrats starts trying to eff with you cuz you didn't vote, whip out this article. Then whip out a bread knife and cut off his white-boy dredlocks.
"˘Donald Rumsfeld has resigned.
What that means for you:
Dude, take that as a lesson...if you lead your buds into a bloody, pointless conflict, expect major bum-out time and possible dismissal of your super sweet duties.
"˘Faith Hill grimaced during her loss to Carrie Underwood at a live televised country music awards show
What that means for you:
Hey look, the one and only time you've ever felt compelled to view even one second of footage from a country music awards show. Sweet. What else is on Youtube?
"˘Minimum wage was raised in several states.
What that means for you:
Sweeet! You'll be able to pay off that $40,000 college loan in 50 years instead of 65 years. P.S. Give me fries with that. I don't care if this is a bank, I want fries, motherfucker.
"˘Britney Spears files for divorce
What that means for you:
When you jerk off to Britney Spears, your fantasies don't have to include K-Fed's penis anymore. Don't have to, but still will, of course.
"˘Reese Witherspoon files for divorce.
What that means for you:
If you want to be obnoxious at a party, listen to a couple people gossip about the details of Britney's divorce for like two minutes then interrupt them mid-sentence by yelling: "ALSO REESE WITHERSPOON GOT DIVORCED!!!" Though you're already pretty obnoxious, right?
"˘A Governor attempting to vote on Tuesday was turned away from the voting booth because he forgot his registration card.
What that means for you:
When the gloating president of the campus Democrats starts trying to eff with you cuz you didn't vote, whip out this article. Then whip out a bread knife and cut off his white-boy dredlocks.
"˘Donald Rumsfeld has resigned.
What that means for you:
Dude, take that as a lesson...if you lead your buds into a bloody, pointless conflict, expect major bum-out time and possible dismissal of your super sweet duties.
"˘Faith Hill grimaced during her loss to Carrie Underwood at a live televised country music awards show
What that means for you:
Hey look, the one and only time you've ever felt compelled to view even one second of footage from a country music awards show. Sweet. What else is on Youtube?
"˘Minimum wage was raised in several states.
What that means for you:
Sweeet! You'll be able to pay off that $40,000 college loan in 50 years instead of 65 years. P.S. Give me fries with that. I don't care if this is a bank, I want fries, motherfucker.
Recording...
There are 15 comments.
Signin or create an account to see them.
3,284 / 4,854
Newest Articles
-
Hotlink:Annoying Your Roommate
by Jake Hurwitz at Hunter College
104 Likes -
Currently Reading Article:What Does That Mean For Me? November 9th Edition
by Lukas Kaiser at NYU
5 Likes -
Hotlink:How It Happened: The Movie "Crank"
by Jake Klocksien at Winona State
5 Likes
-
1382
World News Feed
What the world's Facebook news feed might look like this week.
-
2348
Crazy Sprinkler Lady
This is what's wrong with America ;-)
-
1227
The More Stuff You've Stolen From The Dining Hall
-
3067
Take On Me: The Literal Version
The real lyrics are finally released
-
2595
Epic Violin Playing
Owner of a Lonely Heart and Smooth Criminal, violin style. Classic music just got more classical.
- See more CollegeHumor stuff on Digg!
