Squeezing Natty from a Rock

by Bong Walter on November 14, 2006

They say you have to have money to make money. I don't know who they are, and frankly I don't care. All that concerns me is what I say, and I say 'You have to have money to have fun'. Spare me all the bullshit about reading, or exercising, or playing tag and other such nonsense. I'm talking about actual, American, fun. That's right alcohol and sex. And let's be honest folks, you know you're not having sex without alcohol. Being broke leads to boredom. Boredom leads to desperation. Desperation leads actually opening a book and starting that paper. To prevent you from this fate, I have provided some very simple ways to squeeze Natty from a rock. CHANGE IS GOOD- Ohhh precious quarters! You know those little conversion charts they had in the back of your marble copybook from 5th grade? Yeah? Screw them. Mine is way better: One Nickle One Package of Ramen One Quarter Plastic ring for girl in Bio Four Quarters Cheeseburger Eight Quarters 40oz 12 Quarters, 22 Dimes, 16 Nickels, 25 Pennies Six-Pack Sock full of Quarters Anything within grabing range FUNTASTIC FACT: Believe it or not, pennies actually have a use other than offensive religious insults. Fascinating. PAYPHONE PAYOFF- I'm sure everyone has noticed the price hike on payphones over the past five or six years. First it was 25 cents, then it when up to 35, and now it's not unusual to see them for 50-90 cents. Silently, my resentment bubbled for years at the telephone companies, until I realized this could actually work to my advantage. 1) Stand next to a payphone and ask passersby for 50 cents to make a phone call. "Please!" you implore, "my girlfriend is on her way to get the abortion and I must stop her!!" 2) 4-10 abortions later, and you're on your way to that six-pack. 3) Drink and enjoy. Oh, and as for the abortion, we all know you threatened to kill her unless she got it.

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