Dear Michelle Wie,
We get it.
You are a 6'11" Asian woman who is OK at golf. (Yes, not good, just ok) I understand what you are trying to do. I understand that you are trying to put women on the same playing field as men. Yeah, I support that. I think if a woman is capable of competing with a man they have every right to, but if they have no business being there (like you) then stay on the pine. I’m convinced that people actually think you are Yao Ming and that is why people pay attention to you.
Michelle, let’s take a look at Annika Sorenstam, she has won a kagillion LPGA Tour events. She hasn't even made the cut in a PGA Tour event. Then we look you. Have you even won in the LPGA? Didn't think so.
You just finished a 17 over in the last event you played and now you want to play more PGA events? It doesn’t make any sense, do you really want to keep losing? I wonder how well it would go over if I went on tour and kept getting dominated. I think people would hate me, just like they hate you. You need to stop losing then holding these press conferences and saying shit that you know you will never be able to live up to.
Ahhhhh now I get it. You want publicity. You want the world to know who you are. You want everyone who thinks about golf to think "Michelle Wie". Well the good news is right now everyone is thinking about you. The world is thinking about how you had your tall ass wheeled out to an ambulance after quitting the tourney you entered. Was anything wrong? I don't know, maybe. Maybe you were a little hot...OR maybe you were just pissed that you were going to finish last in an event that no one even knew about.
That's right, I said it. You fucking suck at life. Here's how my list goes:
PEOPLE THAT SUCK AT LIFE!!
1. Osama Bin Laden
2. Michelle Wie
3. Kevin Federline
4. Sak in Wedding crashers (Yeah, its Sak. I checked)
5. That hooker in Vegas who took $300 from me and gave me herpes
And you keep moving up Wie. In fact, I'm going to give you a little checklist that when you are done doing all these things you will be able to compete with men in golf.
..1. Learn how to handle the fucking heat. I don't want to see you quit after nine again. If you do, I am giving Tony Danza the right to kick your head in like he kicked footballs in that movie no one ever saw.
..2. Win a tournament. Against women, children, midgets, Eskimos...I really don't give a fuck. Just beat someone.
..3. Beat Annika. This is a big step after you complete #2. You may have to wait until she either gets hurt or dies, but this is just another step for you must take.
..4. Learn how to answer questions in an interview. I've read the shit you say. Every other word is "Like". Even I can stand in front of a group of people and not sound like a retard that drank a bottle of Everclear. Learn to talk bitch.
..5 PLAY TO WIN….Did Lance Armstrong say "I hope I can finish le Tour de France"? Did Jon Benet’s parents say “I don’t know if we can kill her”??? Fuck no...They just went out and did it. So why the fuck do you want to play when you know you have no shot at winning? Play a round where you can try to win instead of trying not to get last place.
There you go. I just gave you the check list that will turn you life around. You can thank me later. And by thank I mean give me money or a blow job...oh, give me a call and tell me if it’s true that Asian women have sideways pussies.
Best regards,
Jared
Recording...
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