AntiChrist-mas wishes from the AntiChrist

"I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns..........And I beheld another beast coming up out of the earth..........." (Rev.13:1, 11)

Ah yes, that time of year when all the goodly peoples of the world come together to celebrate the birth of Jesus and do good works and all be happy and joyous. Right? Wrong. Everybody is always crying about the commercialization of Christmas and how we need to get back to the true Christian spirit of Christmas. What. Evs? Christians get so wrapped up in Jesus and the nativity that they forget that most people on this planet aren't even Christians at all and don't give a shit about a baby born in barn somewhere in middle east who had "special powers".

Take me. The antichrist. I came into this world amongst adulation of the thralls and the screams of the innocent. I wasn't born on a dirt floor in a barn around farm animals attended by a kid and a drum and 3 hippies who "followed a star". And don't get me started on the "virgin" Mary. I bet that was a great conversation.

Mary: Oh hi Joseph. I know we just got married and you were all set to consummate under the stars amid our flocks of sheep and all, but uh...yeah. See, I'm um pregnant.

Joseph:  [blink...blink.blink]

Mary: Oh,  dude it's totally cool. It was the Lord. Yeah, yeah. He showered a golden light down around me and gently, tenderly lifted my loins and inserted his godly...

Joseph: I GET IT.

Mary: Sweet. I wanna have this thing in a barn.

I love that story. Man, that Joseph. Now that's faith. Anyhoo. Digressing a bit, I know. Where was I? Oh yeah. So fast forward 2000 years and all of a sudden Jesus has his own holiday? I mean the kid was born in the ghetto to a woman of questionable repute and for that he gets his own holiday, complete with gifts and joy? My coming will turn the moon to blood, and the seas will boil and the streets will flow with the blood of the righteous. I can cause a plague just like that. In fact, last week I had some bad shellfish. Guess what? Tsunami. I know, right? I laughed for days. Anyway. The point is: where's my holiday?

My mom was hand picked by Satan himself as the most genetically superior human on the planet and he deposited his evil demonic seed in a glorious orgiastic ceremony of fire, sex and gluttony filled with his followers - my followers - who gathered by the thousands in an ancient hidden temple buried beneath the Vatican. And I don't even get a holiday? Not even a Monday?

Fucking Abraham Lincoln gets a holiday, for Christ's sake. What the hell did he accomplish? "Hi, I'm honest Abe. I freed the slaves, bored the shit out of people and got shot in the head. I'm famous." Whoopty fucking doo. Could he make walls bleed? Do you even know how much concentration that takes? Of course not. The only concentrating you do is on how to get free internet water works porn. Which by the way is kind of kismet you know -if you believe in that sort of stuff. Let's just say that you and I will see each other again one day my freaky friend.

Wow. Tangent anyone? So basically, I'm just trying to say 'tis the season, so don't be so intolerant, enthocentric and close-minded to believe that this season is only for Christians. There are plenty of Muslims, Jews, atheists, agnostics, Buddhists,  Shinto, and free masons who can all enjoy what this season has to offer - then burn in hell when they die. Ok. I gotta run to a sacrifice. TTLY. C U  in hell.
-AC.