Jake Explains It All

by Jake Hurwitz on December 12, 2006


Well you’ve had a productive semester. Not academically, but vaginally speaking, you didn’t do too bad. But this was the easy part. How are you going to get ass while you’re home? The answer is simple my friend: Turn to your oddly attractive female best friend.

Reconnect: You haven’t seen her since before you left for school. Not since she grew her hair, plucked her eyebrows and got rid of the oversized t-shirts.
 
Talk about old times: Remember when we went skinny dipping in Lake Whitney and I was really thankful that it was dark because I was afraid I would see that you had a dick? Well I don’t feel like that anymore.
 
Apologize for not taking her to prom: I know we said we’d go as “friends,” but you don’t pass up the chance to go with the sluttiest sophomore in school. Run your hand through her newly dyed hair as you say you’re sorry.
 
Have a burping contest: For old time’s sake. She always wins. What a cool, fun chick. Just like one of the guys. Only now she’s wearing a tank top. Your opportunity to stick your tongue in her mouth comes when she opens up to belch.
 
Get her out of those sweatpants: It’s better than Christmas when you unwrap the soft cotton of her sweats to reveal smooth, soft legs, nothing like you imagined. Instead of spooning afterwards you guys can play X-box.
 
BFForevs: Say, “Maybe this can be our new secret handshake.”
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