I go home today after completing my first semester of college, and boy do I have some things to brag to my mom about. She's going to be so proud of me, that I will tell you the top 5 things I have done in my short time in college.

5)Became part of a man sandwich at a local club on a Saturday night. That's right mom, not only can I handle grinding extremely sexually on one guy, I can take on him and his friend as they pretend to gang bang me. Yeah I doubt those kids who study all the time can do that.

4)Written every paper I have had due the day of/before they were due. So what I had the syllabus in August and have had weeks to do the project, I research and wrote entire papers in one day. Though my proudest moment may be the book report that I wrote in about 4 hours, at the same time I read the book. Yeah, I got a B on it, but a B in college is pretty much like an A+++ in high school.

3)I have more facebook friends than most of my high school friends. Yeah, you heard me, people like me. I even hang out with some of them in my spare time. You know that time I have between napping, eating, and updating my profile on facebook. How do you think I got all those friends, not through meaningless chit-chat. They like me because of my witty quotes and the fact that I have good taste in music, like Billy Joel.

2)I got herpes. JUST KIDDING, that's why you're gonna be proud of me. I've gone an entire semester without getting an STD or pregnant, that's pretty amazing. Do you know how many college kids have tons of unprotected sex and get gonorrhea? Yeah I don't know the numbers either, but it's a bunch, and I'm not one of them.

1)This one is pretty big, so you may want to sit down on the couch. I beat this game on college humor, where you have to beat all 50 games with only 4 seconds each. Yeah I know it seems dumb, but it's a lot harder than it sounds. It's taken me weeks to master, that may be why my math grade is so low, but I'm majoring in journalism, I won't ever need to be able to add and stuff. But the hand-eye coordination and dexterity I have gained from beating four second frenzy will last me a lifetime.

So mom, crack open a bottle of tequila (that's all I drink now, that's another cool thing about me, I don't drink beer. I'm above that.) and welcome me home.