How to Win a Woman's Heart, By Mel Gibson

by Chris on December 14, 2006

Start with a little booze- you know, just to get loose.
Figure out where she stands on circumcision. If she’s for cutting up penises, she’s probably a Jew.
Whisper some sweet nothings in her ear using either Aramaic, or Ancient Mayan. Chicks dig foreign guys.
Keep drinking. Gotta stay loose.
Tell her that you’ve seen Danny Glover naked, and what they say about black men isn’t true.
Ask her if she thinks that Christ will return in less than 20 years. If yes, skip to step 10.
Test the waters a little bit- throw out a couple of racial slurs, and make sure she knows that you’re “pure” for 30 generations or more!
Ask her if she’s okay with you occasionally doing lines of coke off a prostitute's back. You know, just to get loose.
Tell her that you’ve got some acting opportunities coming up that she’d be perfect for, and ask if she could play a “virgin sacrifice” with some realism. This will weed out the clingers.
Finally, you’re home free. Slide your arm around her waist, flash those baby blues, and ask her if she’s ready to add to the Master Race.