The Meaning Of Christmas Gifts

by Chris Richman on December 19, 2006

The gift	To the girl	To the guy
A diamond ring	You're ready to get serious and spend the rest of your life with her.	You're giving up on sex with other women...at least as far as she'll know.
A diamond bracelet	You're not quite ready to settle down, but you're still very much in love.	The circumference of this bracelet is exactly how fat she can get before her ass is dumped.
A puppy	You're a loving, caring individual who wants a permanent new member of the relationship.	Now when you want to watch football or go to a strip club, she can still get affection without cheating on you.
A scented candle	While a little thoughtless, at least it shows you're willing to spend a romantic night together.	She smells.
A spa gift certificate	While something concrete would have been better, at least you're thinking of her needs and desires.	Maybe they'll be able to massage some of the bitch out of her.
A restaurant gift certificate	It'll be nice to have a night out together.	You'll wind up having to pick up the check anyway, so you might as well pay upfront.
A Best Buy gift certificate	You're thoughtless and blind to her needs.	Maybe she'll get the hint and furnish her place with some technology like a new TV.
An abortion clinic gift certificate	Oh my God.	Don't get pregnant.