Dear Creepy Porn Cameraman,
In short, we would like to ask you to please remove yourself from all future pornographic videos. For your convenience, we will specifically state in this letter what we'd like you to stop doing immediately.
We would appreciate it if you would refrain from talking throughout the duration of the film. Your husky, raspy voice is unwelcome, and actually quite creepy.
Furthermore, it's quite difficult to maintain an erection when we hear your continuous, unsolicted commenting inregards to how "hot and wet" the girl is. We are accutely aware that the girl is "hot" and have come to the conclusion that she will eventually be "wet", since we are in fact tuning in to watch this pornographic video. Needless to say, you're simply stating the obvious. The exclusion of your ongoing commentary would be greatly appreciated.
You're also not funny. At all. Please avoid trying to make jokes, you couldn't make it as a comedian, that's why you're videotaping people having sex. We've come for the porn, plain and simple.
We would also ask that in addition to the commentary and directing, that you spare us of your frequent "Yeahs", "Mmms", and various grunts. It makes us feel as if we're masturbating in the same room with another dude. If you didn't already know, that's a very uncomfortable feeling.
In addition, please stop degrading and verbally abusing the women. It's off-putting to say the least. It's not necessary to call them skanks, bitches, sluts, whore holes, or any variation of the aforementioned. You also don't have to slap them in the face, especially if it is done so with your weird looking penis.
We would also like to make note of how ugly you are. You are quite ugly. We believe this is why you should be behind the camera instead of part of the action. Please stay behind the camera and, please, don't say anything. It's really not that difficult, just press "record" and sit quietly. Leave the camera time to the professionals.
Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, we ask that you stop zooming in on the male genitalia. This, again, is another erection killer. We implore you, keep the camera on the action. The shot of the man's testicles slapping against his grundle makes us kind of nauseous. Please keep the camera on the woman. To reiterate, no ball shots.
Thank you for your time and if everything goes well, we will never see or hear from you again.
Sincerely,
Jeff, and every guy on the face of the Earth
by Jesse Gold at RISD
by Jeff Rosenberg at NYU
by CH Staff
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