Weapon of Choice

by Lilly Walleck on January 29, 2007

The U.S. military just introduced their newest weapon: a non-lethal ray gun that emits a 130-degree beam, giving the ray’s recipient the sensation that they are actually on fire. Deemed “harmless” by officials, the beam is intended to cause “minor discomfort,” but not actually injure the target.

Although the pesky feeling of being engulfed in flames can be mildly unpleasant, the other proposed weapons (deemed unconscionable by military scientists) are being called "potentially more harmful."

Other weapon ideas:

The Tickle-Assassinator:
The Tickle Assassinator strikes the target with pulsing beam just strong enough to make the target laugh uncontrollably but cause immense pain. When the TA operator thinks the target is actually enjoying the punishment, he becomes infuriated and continues.

Impregnator 5000:
This gun uses the same technology from Arnold Schwarzenegger's 1994 classic movie "Junior," somehow creating a uterus alongside male sex organs. A second surge somehow forces the man’s own semen to be introduced into his newly spawned uterus. A third pulse acts as a growth stimulator, so the usual 9-month period of pregnancy is reduced to 9 seconds.

The target is then forced to deliver their child in the middle of the battlefield without anyone's hand to hold, or any Lamaze training. The child is then named something embarrassing, like Schmegmartin.

Relief-Instigator:
The force of the ray causes the target to immediately empty their bowels and urinary tracts on impact. They are prohibited from using any kind of clean up materials afterward.