What Really Chaps My Ass, Episode 2 - Ignorant Stop Lights

What Really Chaps My Ass, Episode 2 - Ignorant Stop Lights

Trying to get anywhere in any city is damn frustrating enough as it is, based on the scientific fact that only about 9% of the population knows how to drive (rest assured the other 91% will be addressed in future rants). Nothing pushes me over the edge quicker or with more ferocity than some dipshitly programmed stoplights. We can put people in space, communicate across the country wirelessly and instantaneously, and make tiny dots of ice cream, but can't seem to figure out these terribly complex 3 color life controllers. For your convenience I've broken down the most common idiotic lights into the following categories.

The Life Halter:

I just spent 15 minutes putting my life at risk NASCARing through traffic so I can get home in time for a new Family Guy, only to be foiled by a 7 1/2 minute red light on Busy City Road--which allows the one car that goes across the intersecting Fans of Kevin Federline Blvd once every three weeks ample green lightage. Well played guys, if I miss a good intro I'm kicking someone's ass.

The Air Bag Deployer:

One of my favorites! The Life Halter turns green just seconds before I explode into a fiery fit of primal anger that would've claimed countless innocent lives, and I accelerate ALMOST to second gear before the next light 20 yards down the road turns red. WTF?? Are you serious? Do you ever wonder why road rage always on uprise in frequency and violence? This is why. At this point I'm so pissed off I become silent and start mind-stabbing whoever is responsible for this.

The Lefty:

Almost home, just have to make this left turn across Heavy as Hell Traffic Avenue. With this kind of traffic I don't have to worry about yielding because surely there will be an arrow allowing me to turn saf WHAT THE HELL?? NOTHING? NO ARROW EVEN FOR A SECOND? Brilliant doucherockets, now one car will get to turn left every 10 minutes. I hope whatever re-run of The War at Home is on tonight doesn't suck, which is unlikely because they all suck. The Ultimate: A rare but formidable foe, The Ultimate has sent more men to prison than (insert clever filler here to s_m_hankins@yahoo.com, I'll pick the best then e-mail you and tell you you're awesome). This light does not change at all. Ever. You sit there and watch the intersection cycle through 3 to 4 times and realize you're stuck, left there to sit until you run out of gas and freeze or starve to death--which ever comes first. If you find yourself in this situation, look at the bright side. At least now you can move on to the afterlife, where I believe the stoplights are short and logical, and new Family Guys are on all day everyday. And Lois is naked.

So, Wizard of the Traffic Lights, I hope you're reading this and take it to heart. I know common sense is hard to come by in this world but alot of people's lives are in your hands. @#$#ing figure it out, k? Good talk.