Dear F-Buddy, This Is a Complaint

by Lena Chen on February 05, 2007

Hey everyone, I'd like to welcome our new sex columnist, Lena, to the site. Every week she'll be writing about her sexual adventures and giving you little hints to make that drunken grope fest as special as possible. She comes to us from SexAndTheIvy.com. Enjoy!

-Street

When CollegeHumor asked me to write a sex column, I wondered about the ramifications for my sex life. Then I realized that this would be the perfect vindictive measure against guys who offer unsatisfying romps in the sack.

I wanted to start off this baby with a bang – pun completely intended – but I’m surrounded by men committing major bedroom faux pas. So let’s examine my Saturday night and see what knowledge we can glean:

2:30am
Sam, Philadelphia fling, gives me a call. (Why of course I've been good since returning to Boston!)

3:00am
Will, Harvard dude I used to see, sends a questionable text message. (You mean you want to catch up at three in the morning after a month of silence? Me too!)

But the kicker comes when …

3:30am
Kyle, Boston fuck buddy, sends a friendly instant message … suggesting a threesome with his (also male) roommate.

Oh the wonders of modern communication! Allowing boys to screw themselves over with a click of the mouse and a tap of their phone pad. Since Sam was sweet and Will was harmless, I’ll take up beef with my most active sexual partner, Boston-area Kyle, who should know better than to share without asking.

Dear Kyle,

Since you insisted you weren’t drunk last night, I can only assume that hormones have supplanted all common sense in your early-twenties brain when we had this exchange:

You: have any desire to come to south station for a three way
Me: involving?
You: me and my roommate
Me: not interested, have strict standards for threesomes
You: he can be secondary. you and i'll jam and he can watch and come in only for a little bit
Me: your roommate is NOT watching us have sex.
You: wanna come over just to fuck me? we can do whatever -- anything you want. I’ll be quick.

“I’ll be quick”? Get wise if you want to get ass. Here are some rules to live by.

The Dos and Don’ts of Hooking Up with Me

DO offer to pay for my cab fare. It’s not like you’re taking me out to dinner.
DON’T offer me as free ass to your roommate. It’s not like I’m communal.

DO call me all the dirty names you want. I’ll hang on to every word.
DON’T call me at 4 a.m. from the other side of town. I’ll hang up in response.

DO leave some room for dignity. Desperation won’t get you T&A.
DON’T leave your used condoms on my sociology paper. My TA wants an explanation.

DO play rough in the sack. I like it when you get on top.
DON’T play Marvin Gaye on iTunes. Let’s not get it on to that.

DO mention your hot brother. I’ll pretend a threesome is totally feasible.
DON’T mention your girlfriend. I’ll pretend she’s cool with sharing.

Hugs and kisses (on your dick if you listen and learn),
Lena

P.S. For future reference, please leave your phone on for booty calling convenience. As of Sunday, you are one opportunity short of a coed sandwich with you providing the meat.

You can check out more of Lena at her blog, SexAndTheIvy.com
Questions, Comments? Email Lena at Elle @ sexandtheivy.com

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