A Drunk and Verbally Abusive Magic 8 Ball Answers Your Questions

by Matt Hulten on February 06, 2007

Question: Will I have a good job when I get older? Response: Signs point to yes. Except that you were born an idiot, you will die an idiot, and nothing will change in-between.

Question: Who is going to win the World Series this year? Response: Outcome hazy, you money-hungry dick.

Question: Will I ever find true love? Response: Without a doubt. Nah, I’m just messing with you, you’re definitely going to die alone.

Question: Am I on the right career path? Response: (Uncontrollable sobbing) Ask again later. I can’t…I just can’t deal with this right now.

Question: Should I buy a new car? Response: My sources say no. They also tell me they hate you and hope you burn in hell.

Question: Am I going to live a happy life? Response: Yes, definitely. Unless it doesn’t happen. Listen it’s not my fault your father didn’t love you. Get off my back!

Question: Will I be famous someday? Response: Outlook not so good. Especially since you’re so goddamn fat.

Question: Is there a God? Response: All signs point to yes. But on second thought, go fuck yourself.