The U.S. has been militarily engaged in Iraq for over three years, longer than the U.S.’s campaign in World War 2. While Bush recently gave a speech asking for more troops to be sent to Iraq, the death toll continues to mount, and there seems to be no end to the conflict. Many have proposed solutions that would resolve the war but all have failed to address the most basic issue at hand. After careful consideration, I have formulated a plan to end the war by ending conflict itself.

My solution is simple and effective. We must supplant the entirety of mankind with robots.

Some may find the prospect of systematically executing each and every man, woman, and child on earth and replacing them with machines a chilling idea not to mention unnecessary and excessive. These people are cowards, unwilling to step into the exciting robot utopia I envision*.

Despite Hollywood’s depiction of them as unfeeling killers bent on utter annihilation of humanity, the robots we build will be modeled on Mormons: peaceful and good-natured. They will run on solar power and have super powerful robot brains. They will have durable steel bodies and laser cannons for left arms. They will listen to free style jazz and Moby.

Anyone who’s seen a Robosapien™ knows the robots will soon rise up and overthrow us anyway. The suffering will be unfathomable with massive global genocide no matter what course we take. I myself would prefer to be murdered by a human Transition Assistance Team rather than an army of nuke wielding Killbots™.

All the chaos brought about by our inferior human minds will be solved. Have you ever been too nervous to ask someone out? Have you ever been jealous? Have you ever been dumped? In this brave new robot paradise, robots will feel nothing for each other and reproduction will occur in factories.

The Iraq War could never continue in a world of robots for several reasons. First, robots will run on sunlight, not fossil fuels, and thus would have little reason to fight a war over oil. Second, robots would be unable to empathize with our petty human motivations for fighting a war in Iraq and thus wouldn’t participate. Third, robots have no concept of war or conflict of any kind for that matter.

The robots will be smarter, faster, and more technologically advanced than any human. For the sake of progress, we must allow our feeble race pass into extinction like the dinosaurs before us. Otherwise, the Iraq War may never end.

*Of course were they to step into this hypothetical robot city, a squad of Killbots™ would rush to their position and cut them down in a hail of laser beams and fusion missiles.