A Special President's Day Journal

by Mike Birbiglia on February 21, 2007

Dear Journal,

This week marks Presidents Day, celebrating our American presidents and offering rock bottom prices and low APR financing. Looking back on our great presidents sometimes reminds me of the foibles of our current president. Did I say sometimes?

Today I was watching one of these news pieces about our troops and I was admiring just how brave these men and women are. A few years ago, I went to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba for a USO tour; it was there that I realized how much I appreciate the troops, because if they weren’t the troops, I would be the troops, and I would be the worst troops. I’d be like you like, “You expect me to carry a gun this heavy AND run away screaming?”

The closest I’ve ever been to combat was back in high school when I joined the wrestling team. Every day I would dread showing up to practice because I was in the 160 lb. weight class and I was so bad that they used to put me against a guy who was in the 120 pound weight class and he would destroy me.

There was only one time I nearly won a match. The whistle blew and I quickly found myself pinning my opponent for reasons that I did not fully understand. You see, I did not know any moves. My teammates were cheering on the sidelines and I thought, “Maybe I do know how to wrestle!” At that moment a single drop of blood fell from nose and landed on the mat. The whistle blew and the ref screamed, “Blood on the mat!” They restarted us at the center of the mat and the whistle blew and I was pinned as quickly as I had pinned my opponent moments before.

The point is, electing George Bush to be the president of the United States is like deciding to make me the coach of the wrestling team. Bush is the guy who avoided wrestling practice and now he’s in charge. Once in a while he’ll get a gleam in his eye as if to say, “Maybe I do know how to wrestle!” But he doesn’t, so all we can do is distract ourselves with rock bottom prices and APR financing.

And that concludes this week’s entry in my secret public journal.