UGLY CHICKS ACROSS THE STREET
Me: Hey! Whores-R-Us, shut the fuck up!
Them: Mind your own business.
Me: That’s what I’ve been trying to do, but you guys decided it was a good time to start a Lil’ Jon sing-along and show everyone your I-don’t-live-with-daddy-anymore-I-can-do-whatever-I-want wild side.
Them: So…
Me: So you’re fucking annoying. You sound like you’re getting raped up the ass by the Eastside Boys.
Them: You would know.
Me: That strobe light isn’t helping either. You could at least shut your door.
Them: Hey, we like to party. I’m sorry if you feel bad because you don’t know how to have a good time.
Me: It’s fucking Monday. And aren’t you cunts Mormon? I don’t think God or Joseph Smith or whoever would be very happy with those lyrics.
Them: Please don’t use God’s name in vain.
Me: I didn’t.
Them: Well… we’re not gonna turn anything off.
Me: Your muffin top already did.
Them: Funny.
Me: Listen, I’d be happy to come over there and curb stomp all of you, if that’ll help.
Them: Yeah actually, it would.
Me: Great.
Them: Great.
Me: Fine.
(back into my apartment)
Them: What a Sour Sally.
(several minutes later)
*flaming bible shatters their front window*
HOT CHICKS DOWNSTAIRS
(I knock on their door)
Them: Yes?
Me: Hey Candace. Are you guys alright? Sounded like someone got hurt earlier.
Them: No, we’re fine. We just had a few glasses of wine and Megan put on an old CD.
Me: Macarena?
Them: No, I think it’s Now That’s What I Call Music.
Me: Two?
Them: Three or Four. Can’t remember which.
Me: Oh.
(roommate is dancing in background)
Me: Nice moves Megan.
Them: …You’re creepy.
Me: (to myself) You’re hot.
Me: …Alrighty, I gotta run. Keep that music under control, Rock N Roll is dangerous.
Them: Riiight.
Me: (walking away, to myself) What the fuck just happened?
by Dustin at University of Oregon
by Alex Ringgaard
by Sarah Schneider at Wake Forest
"ur just jelly cuz ur a ghost and can't tap that"
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Thanksgiving is coming up, and you know what that means: there's a pretty good chance you're getting dumped this holiday season. Just so you're not caught off guard, here are the emotional stages that you will undoubtedly experience.
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I can't wait for him to grow hair so I can give him a swirlee.
Recording...
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