By Nick Nieuwenhuis
Lyrics- Ok, so how many songs can you have about getting drunk, beating your wife because she was mad because you slept with your sister?Clearly too many.I have an idea for you country writers, stop fucking writing.Honestly nobody cares that you ran over ol Yeller with your tractor and polished off a fifth of Jack.As far as I’m concerned ol Yeller should have been replaced with you, then there would be no more shitty songs coming out of you mouth.If that’s too hard for you to do, then I recommend you go inside and beat off to your NASCAR.
Woman Singers- Stop, I’m serious.Nobody cares that you want to ride a cowboy.You can try all you want to ride a cowboy, but the fact of the matter is you can’t.All the cowboys have been more open about their sexuality since the Brokeback era.So you might as well go back to your lesbian ways, like the chicks.
Square Dancing- Since the dawn of mankind people have been using dance to express their culture.The dances have been elaborate and have needed much skill.However the rednecks from the country era were always waaay too drunk to do anything talented, or create anything that requires talent (see country music).So what do they invent?Square Dancing.The retarded child of the dance world.Wanna learn how to do it?Ill teach you.First do a heel-toe 5 times, dip 4 times, slide left 3 times, dosey do, bend over, and let your partner stick his dick in your ass.Now that’s talent!
Rodeo- Want some sport while listening to your “music”?I have an idea, lets put a guy on a pissed off bull, then watch him ride the bull longer than he can ride his wife/sister.Now we are having fun!
Reba- God that was a bad show, but then again, who would expect talent from a country singer.
Trailer Parks- Why is it that inbred drunks that live in trailer parks find comfort in country music?Coincidence?I think not.
Racism- Lets do some math.Country music comes from the south, the south was part of the confederation, the confederation wanted slavery, the confederation lost, and in retaliation started the Klu Klux Klan!Who knew that math could be so much fun?!
There you have it, a comprehensive list of why country music sucks!If this pissed you off, good!Because your music pisses me off!
by Nick Nieuwenhuis at University of Wisconsin - Whitewater
by Sarah Schneider at Wake Forest
by Alex Schmidt at Syracuse
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Recording...
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