Facebook Operator:  Welcome to Facebook, how can I help you?

Me: Hi... I recently received a “facebook gift”... and I'm wondering if I can return it.

Which one of these is a receipt? Is it the roll thing?

Facebook Operator: Um...I'm sorry, I'm not sure I heard you right.  You're looking to RETURN a Facebook gift?

Me: Right. I don't really need it. I think it cost a dollar or something. I'd rather just have the dollar.

Facebook Operator:  Well sir, you can hide the gifts if you do not wish them to appear in your profile. Thanks for calling!

Me: Well... Hello. Hello? Hello?

Facebook Operator: Yes?

Me: I don't think you understood, I'd rather have the dollar. I can use a soda. Or...anything. Yeah, I’d rather just have the dollar. If it’s not a big deal.

Facebook Operator:  I'm sorry sir, you can't just return a Facebook gift.  Someone purchased that gift in your honor. 

Me: Don’t... Make me angry. Haha. Just DO THIS. JUST GIVE ME MY DOLLAR. Okay? I’m normal.

Facebook Operator:  Umm... do you mind if I ask which gift you received?

Me: I dunno, it's a penguin or some shit. It doesn't matter which one it is, I don't want it. I'd like to return it. This wouldn't be a big deal at any clothing store in America. Somebody bought me a gift, and I want to return it. I just want to know how!

Facebook Operator:  Are you sure you're looking at the image correctly, sir?  We do not offer penguins as gifts. Perhaps its a dog? Or a BFF charm?

Me: I dunno, then it’s a dog! Whatever! WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL!? WHAT DOES IT MATTER WHAT IT IS?!

Facebook Operator: Yeah... Cute puppy doggy. That is one of our best sellers. Is it a roll of toilet paper?

Me:  No. I just said it was the dog! Jesus! Okay... Sure. The toilet paper! Can I have a dollar now!? WHY IS THIS EVEN A BIG DEAL!? I JUST WANT A FUCKING DOLLAR!

Facebook Operator: Don’t raise your voice at me, sir.

Me:  Don’t raise your... Tits.

Facebook Operator:  Excuse me, sir?

Me:  NOTHING. Can i... Seriously. Can I just have a dollar now? Can I have a dollar? I’m really about to cry.

Facebook Operator: If you like, I can credit your profile one (1) Facebook gift.  That way, you can send a gift to the friend who sent you one!

Me: NO! Don’t you get it!? I hate these things! I wouldn't send one to my worst enemy! Your Facebook credit is useless to me! And now my nose is bleeding! Great!

Facebook Operator:  You...you do realize that these gifts are for CHARITY, sir.

Me: FUCK charity. Okay? Fuck Charity. This... this... "Gift" or whatever, is worse than any disease. They should make a charity to support ME. Actually, can you do that? Can I be the charity that this goes to?

Facebook Operator:  Probably not, sir. This charity goes to support breast cancer.

Me: Honestly, no joke, this is worse than breast cancer.

Facebook Operator:  Sir, that’s hardly fair.

Me: Okay, you’re right. That was too much. I’m sorry. Obviously, these gifts are not worse than cancer. It’s just... Can I? Can I just have a dollar? Please? Here. I’m asking you nicely. Can I have a dollar? Can I please? Just have a dollar? Can I please have a dollar?

Facebook Operator:  Sir, I’m hanging up now.

Me: Okay, fine. Wait! Bet me something!

Facebook Operator: Excuse me?

Me: Bet me something. Winner gets a dollar. I bet you a dollar you can’t tell me the color of my shirt.

Facebook Operator:  Blue.

(Pause)

Facebook Operator:  Sir?

Me: I gotta go. I’m going through a tunnel thingy and I gotta go.

Facebook Operator:  It says here you’re calling from a payphone.

Me: Can’t really hear you! Put me on your do-not-call list, bye!

Special thanks to Sarah Schneider for playing the role of "Facebook Operator."