How To Impress A Naive Academic

by Joshua Heller on March 12, 2007

An Academic Thesis is always impressive, mostly because of it's title. You can impress naive grad students into thinking you are an intellectual just by explaining everything you're into, in a highly exalted way. I'm into Rap music, so I always tell unsuspecting doctoral candidates that I wrote my dissertation on "Third World Appropriations of Hip Hop Culture as a means for Social Revolution."

If your title is written to a suitable level of grandiloquence they won't ask further questions. I've written some essay titles based on topics you might be interested in. Feel free to use these while flirting with your TA.


If you are into Keg Stands...
 
Going Vertical: An Inquiry into how the Inverted Imbibing of Carbonated Alcoholic Beverages is Beneficial Towards the Participant's Composition

If you are into Pizza...

A Contemporary Manna:  The Food of Life

If you are into Date Rape...

Does No, Really Mean No?: Redefining Concepts of Consensus

If you are into Fart Jokes...

A Lethal Wind: An Exploration into the Jocularity of Flatuence

If you are into Chiefings/Shamings...

Epidermic Cartography: The Mapping of One's Evening as Described by the Markings on Their Skin.

Remember the three rules of an impressive essay title:  Long words, Long sentences, Disregard grammar advice from Word.

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Joshua Heller

Joshua Heller

North Hollywood / Bushwick

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