aBROcrombie and fitch

The other day I was at Columbia Mall eating lunch. As I was hurriedly choking down my "Veggie Delight" sub (it isn't easy staying in shape when you sit at a desk 50 hours a week; be afraid), I saw a T-shirt that made me stop mid-bite. It was on this normal-looking dude, a short, skinny white guy, walking around the mall with his friend.

This average, boring-looking dude was wearing a shirt that read, "Will Spoon for Poon." I have seen plenty of shirts that are of a similar ilk to that one lately and I am getting really tired of it.

The trend of wearing offensive T-shirts has obviously been around for as long as T-shirts have, but it has gotten exponentially worse in the past two years. Apparently, at some point, the executives at Abercrombie decided they would not be making any more shirts that didn't have a college-age sex joke on them.

A lot of them were cute and clever. One of my favorites was the one that had a picture of an upside-down paper bag and the text "EXTREME MAKEOVER." It made me smile in the store. But while I was looking at it, I remember thinking, "Who the fuck would actually buy and wear that?" Before I go any further, I would like to point out that I am not a knee-jerk Abercrombie-hater or some kind of Puritan. I used to work at Abercrombie for about two weeks until I decided my time was worth more than six dollars an hour, even if all I was doing was standing around talking to hot girls. And I have a bunch of Abercrombie clothes.

As far as me being easily offended or a prude, I can assure you I am a vile pig. Ask anyone who knows me. The thing I don't like about these kind of shirts is, to me, they contradict their own purposes. Most people who buy shirts from Abercrombie (or Urban Outfitters, French Connection, Express Men, American Eagle, etc.) are hoping their clothes will make them more attractive to the opposite sex, right? Why are you going to wear a shirt that reads, "We screw, We nut, We bolt," or "Here today, Gone tomorrow morning" - to go out to a bar and try to have one-night stands?

Don't girls see it as a red flag when a dude's shirt says he doesn't really care about anything other than sex? Or if you aren't interested in one-night stands, how are prospective girlfriends or female friends going to feel about your opinion that "Spitters are Quitters?"

Then there is a whole other genre of these shirts that are all about broadcasting your insecurities and narcissistic tendencies. One of them has two hands on either side of the shirt with the text "I swear it's this big." Or "Do you have tickets? To the gun show," with arrows pointing at the arms. Why don't you just stand in front of a mirror all day and shout, "Hey everybody, come see how good my arms look," in the Ron Burgundy voice.

At least then you wouldn't be paying $25 to wear a mediocre joke everyone is tired of.

Even with all these other offenders, I still think "Will Spoon for Poon" is the worst I have seen, outside of an Ocean City boardwalk store.

First of all, it's got the word "poon" on it, which is cool for the college bar scene, but the dude was wearing it at a mall at like 11:30 a.m. on a Tuesday. There were mostly moms and babies there. Secondly, the message itself is so wrong.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you are a complete jerk with an infantile misogynistic sense of humor, try to be a little more discreet about it.