Dear Newest Hollywood Exec.

Congratulations on making it to the top of the creative and innovative industry which has produced such masterpieces as Gone with the Wind, The Godfather and Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo. Now, I imagine that you’re feeling pretty nervous about all the new responsibilities that will be heaped on your shoulders. You may be thinking, I’m just a bean counter not an artist, what do I know about making films?

 Relax, man, that’s surprisingly not a prerequisite for this job. I suppose it’s possible that our studio may accidentally stumble upon an original idea and produce the occasional quality movie, but this will not be necessary to making a profit. I’ll let you in on a little Hollywood Insider secret: you can persuade people to see complete piles of crap. There are two keys to your future success:

Rather than experimenting with innovative concepts, just copy from previously popular films.

Ram advertising down people’s throat until they have no choice.

The first step is easy. For example, if people like Spider-Man, they’ll love the tragic nuclear accident that lead to the birth of the heroic Squirrel-Man. I mean, the script practically writes itself!

The second step is a little more complicated, but no less doable. With high-tech editing techniques, an overly intense voice, super-bold text and a dash of movie magic, even the suckiest of films can be made into kick-ass movie trailers.

With carefully selected snippets montaged with popular music, any movie can seem fun, horrifying, romantic or action-packed. Having trouble appealing to teen girls? A little Coldplay and effeminate-looking young men will make them swoon. Need to appeal to the lads? Bikinis and THX-maxed out explosions will draw out their drool.

Now, you may say to yourself: shouldn’t a trailer accurately reflect the movie experience so that people don’t get false-expectations? This line of reasoning, however, is WRONG, a trailer should always be 300% funnier, 400% more thrilling and 1000% louder than the actual film. Keep in mind, every shot in the film and every line of dialogue are fair game to be manipulated and taken completely out of context if it helps. In fact, you can even use clips that were cut from the actual movie.

Take, for example, this classic Stephan King family comedy starring Jack Nicholson. The family market has been a main-stay of for years, and with the growing popularity of Mormonism, this demographic is always ripe for the plucking. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmkVWuP_sO0&mode=related&search= Now, doesn’t that look like some wholesome family fun? It’s not so important what the actual film is like, what matters is how these fragments allow the audience to create their own version of the movie in their head: not necessarily the actual movie, but the ideal film they want to see. In this case, the touching story of a struggling writer that finds joy and inspiration from becoming a foster father. Add the melodic styling of Peter Gabriel to the background, and I’m envisioning a heartwarming tale for the ages!

Romantic comedies, or “chick flicks” as they technically referred to, is another popular genre. Females aged 12-35 just can’t seem to get enough of seeing strong, independent and beautiful women finding love in the most unexpected of places, and this classic Jodie Foster/Anthony Hopkins hit can show you how’s it done: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCxF6idjqnk Notice how, again, the fragments, carefully put together to the tune of Howie Day’s Collide, let the audience construct their own ideal film in their minds… with a little help from the narrator of course. Also, by letting us know that this was from the makers of Steel Magnolias and Pride and Prejudice, this film can piggy-back on the success on other films of the genre. Finally, did you notice how they strategically inserted that it stars academy award winners Jodie Foster and Sir Anthony Hopkins? This is an ingenious way to invoke the star power present in this production.

Jim Carey is well-known for his goofy comic antics, but just take a look at what is in store for audiences everywhere. Our studio is currently working on this trailer which displays the funny-man’s darker side. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wykhY321nnw Part stalker and part psychopath, the grisly Lloyd Christmas plays to the fear of every young woman, and perhaps, just perhaps, makes men afraid of the animal which lies inside of them. Yes indeed, this promises to the thriller of the century, and notice the use of black-and-white? Ah, makes people kind of nostalgic for the Alfred Hitchcock horror classics.