Stuff You Don't Care About But Will Help You Get Laid

by Kate Spencer on March 30, 2007

What's crappening friends? TGIGossip Time - am I right?!

Before I dork out too much, let me introduce myself. My name is Kate and I'm taking over the gossip reins from Sarah. I know, I know - shed your tears, stamp your feet, and throw your beer bottles at the computer screen. I'm sad she's leaving us too, but I'll do my best to poorly attempt to replace her. And never fear, my main goal and purpose for living, breathing and doing Jager shots is to endow you with enough celebrity dirt to get you in between some hot lady's extra long Ralph Lauren twin sheets. I'm ready to dish the dirt that will get YOU laid. A lot. Again and again. With DIFFERENT chicks (if you want).

Winter has come to a close and it's time to get rid of the old and bring in the new. So dump that girlfriend who already graduated, throw out your moldy Brita, trash your expired Trojans, and empty out the bong water that's been festering since last semester . We're spring cleaning!

Turns out when he's not making the band, Sean "Diddy" Combs is making love, for hours and hours. This week the Didster got a little creepy in describing his Parisian lovemaking sessions with girlfriend Kim Porter to the London Mirror. He told them, “As soon as we landed, we went straight to the Eiffel Tower, drank champagne at the top and just kissed and kissed. Then we went up to my suite and had tantric sex for at least 30 hours, ordering up whipped cream and strawberries while we were at it.” Blegh. Rugburns, anyone? [source: CelebSlam]

Courtney Love has taken spring cleaning seriously by getting rid of half her body weight. Kurt Cobain's baby mamma showed up on some beach in a bikini noticeably skinnier, but just as fucking scary. You can take the girl out of Crazy Town, but you can't take the Crazy Town out of the girl. She'll be stumbling around drunk, slurring and tit-flashing in no time. Also someone throw Courtney a flannel shirt - she needs to cover that shit up! [source: HollywoodTuna]

Lindsay Lohan also dropped some dead weight this week - her dad. Papa Lohan was released from prison two weeks ago, where he spent twenty months finding God in the arms of a guy named Grizzly. He's apparently tried to make nice with his recently rehabbed, still partying daughter, but Firecrotch ain't havin' it. Maybe she's pissed that in addition to passing on the flames, he stuck with the addiction gene too - DoucheDad was locked up for drunk driving. [source: WWTDD]

Spring is a good time to try something new, which is probably what Jennifer Aniston was thinking when she agreed to go on Courtney Cox's show Dirt and make out with her former Friend and forever BFF. Too bad it's about as sexy as watching my grandmother get drunk off of Manhattans and shit her diaper on Thanksgiving. Seriously, haven't these two turned into MILFs by now? They're like forty - they should be kissing babies in the back of their minivans while on the way to a PTA meeting, not each other. [source: Egotastic]

She got rid of her hair because her extensions made it all nasty, and got rid of her husband because he IS nasty; now this week Britney Spears got some teeth whitened because all that Cheeto snackin' and Marlboro Light puffin' did permanent damage. But because her dentist's office was at a hospital, every paparazzo from LA to New York had their panties in a twist, while camped outside the emergency room doors. The poor girl is just trying to get her grossness under control in private. Knowing BritBrit, if she really gets sick she'll do it in front of the cameras. [sources: IDLYITW, NinjaDude]

And finally, it's time to get rid of all your old, nasty shit - like everyone's favorite bag o' herpes, Paris Hilton! Yes friends, those years of prayers just may be answered, as the prosecutors in her drunk driving case are pushing to revoke her probation and send the celebutard and her newly enlarged boobs to the Big House for up to ninety days. Finally, Paris has gotten herself into a sticky situation that she can't fuck her way out of. Orange jumpsuit? That's hot! [sources: DListed, ToxicMagazine]

I will bid you farewell with two photos of the week. First, everyone's favorite off-key Idol star, Sanjaya. [source: JustJared]