Celebrity Now

Stuff You Don't Care About But Will Help You Get Laid

by Kate Spencer April 06, 2007

How's it hangin' peeps? It's been a slow week for gossip, probably due to the fact that celebs are busy celebrating Passover and Easter by snorting coke off of some matza and getting so drunk that they pass out on a cross and end up two days later totally, like, all resurrected and sh*t. But never fear my dear friends, I've dug up the dirt and am placing it in a pretty Easter basket just for you.

If you're like me, you started this week sitting through the Hills Season finale bored out of your mind. Well, Lauren's ex-boyfriend Jason is about to make it all up to you with the release of his and Lauren's alleged sex tape. That's right, a SEX TAPE! America's favorite robot and goateed crackhead f*cked on tape, and before Jason trots of to jail he wants YOU to admire Lauren's lady snacks. Rumor has it that - unlike her IQ - they are apparently HUGE. [source: Egotastic]

Here's some sad news - Uma Thurman now has your mom's saggy boobs. Time to jerk off to a new MILF. Reese Witherspoon, anybody? [source/picture: IDLYITW]

Speaking of not-hot moms, everyone's favorite 25-year old mother of two has a new boyfriend! Because Britney Spears cannot go two weeks without getting a fugly tattoo, wearing a cowboy hat or fucking a crazy dude, she's now dating Howie Day, a soft rocker whom she met in rehab. Not sure who Howie Day is? Well maybe one day you and he will collide, doo doo doo doo, and you'll figure it out. And though you thought it wasn't possible, he is potentially a STEP DOWN from K-Fed. Yep, Day was in rehab before and has been arrested twice. He sounds toxic! [sources: CelebSlam, IDLYITW]

Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones makes Britney's drunken bikini-swapping antics look like child's play. Not only has this dude done enough coke to cause a billion nosebleeds, he took it up a notch on the hardcore scale and told NME that he once snorted his dead dad's ashes. That's right, his dad is buried somewhere in his nostrils, along with a few guitar picks, a bottle of Jim Beam, a couple of naked groupies, and the soon-to-be adopted child of Brangelina. [sources: WWTDD, NinjaDude]

Everyone can STOP freaking out - Aubrey O'Day, member of the world's worst named all-girl group Danity Kane, is NOT pregnant with Diddy's baby! There is no lil' O'Diddy on the way! Phew! I was so worried that - wait a second...who the hell is Aubrey O'Day and what the fuck is a Danity Kane? And who gives a shit if Diddy is fucking babies into her or not? Aren't we all secretly pregnant with a Diddy Baby? AREN't WE?!?! Or....maybe it's just me. [source: NinjaDude]

My favorite glamorous meth-head Fergie revealed this week that she used to get down and dirty chowin' the lady box. Now I understand why she's always singing about "the flossy, flossy" - she had to get a stuck pube out of her teeth. [source: ToxicMagazine]

And finally, Halle Berry was presented with her own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame this week, and in her excitement she tried to give it a blow job. It didn't work, but it was still kind of hot. Enjoy! [source/picture: HollywoodTuna]