Dear Collegehumor Users:

Today I want to discuss a very delicate subject: hand jobs. I know what you are thinking and I totally agree with you: hand jobs hurt.

Don’t get me wrong, guys love the gesture every now and again meaning at least three times a week if not more. However, for this to be an enjoyable experience for both parties the ladies need to learn a thing or two. First off, yes it is attached to our bodies and no if you pull on it hard enough it will not fall off. However, most of the time a girl goes for a decent grasp and just starts yanking away. Ladies, you need to learn to slow down a bit when you do this unless you have some kind of lubrication, but that is another letter. Anyway, the ladies must remember that the crotch reason should be treated similarly to how a boyfriend treats his girlfriend: with some kind of fake passion. Moving on, the second thing that most girls tend to forget is that there is more to a man’s junk than his wiener. The two little guys need to be loved as well so it is the duty of every girlfriend to introduce herself to these two fellows. Once a girl understand these things their boyfriend might start acting differently towards them. He might start buying you flowers simply because it is Wednesday or he might actually answer his phone every time you call him. You also might then become his most prized possession. However, just be careful and remember that if you do it wrong that hand jobs do hurt.

Sincerely,

Derek Money