Hark! A clarion bell of liberty and democracy has rung out through our great land, and it has emanated from the gleaming, silver whistling devices of our nation’s refereeing officials.In a match of narrowly-avoided defeat this third Sun-day in November of the year of our Lord 1779, the divine will most-assuredly prevailed during the falling of the final grains from the hour-glass as the red-blooded, freedom-fighting warriors of the majestic and forever-glorious New-England gridiron quashed the opposition of the cowardly and questionably-swarthy Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

With naught more than four-score and fifteen seconds loitering about the clock, the forefathers of our noble American sport, the valiant Patriots, surmounted a two-tally deficit (sans assistance from any English, dare I add!) to reverse their fortunes upon the scoundrels from the God-forsaken swamplands of the Florida territory!

However, the integration of a sole Negro competitor into last night’s match has raised precarious queries about the future of foot-ball and the future of American sporting itself!Many men of the arts and sciences have argued that the naturally nimble and muscularly-gifted physique of the Africans renders them a telling advantage on the athletic field.What shall become of our activities with their participation?What new physical achievements will the New England Patriots—or the rest of the nation, for that matter!—be able to achieve with not just one, but two or three Negro gentlemen at their aid?(The overwhelming prospect has rendered me so faint as to require one of my multitudinous African staff to fetch me a cold compress in relief of my ailment!)

Perhaps one day in the distant future, once the time has come to cease beating them so ferociously and denying them of their God-given, American rights, will we have an answer to such an exhilarating uncertainty!

But, for now and for-ever, your New England Patriots shall be first in war, first in peace, first in the hearts of their countrymen, and first in the American Football Confederation, Eastern Division.