Useless Things

by Matt Z on April 25, 2007

Over the years I’ve come across a number of useless things that are not ironically used the most often by useless people. Read on to listen to me bitch about them.

Paper Weights: Let me offer you an alternative to stationing an anvil on your desk in the off chance that a breeze will blow through your windowless cubicle. That alternative is anything that weighs more than 4 ounces. But who am I to say that you shouldn’t spend more than zero dollars to combat the formidable foe known as indoor wind?

Chrome Wheel Covers: No better way to amplify how shitty your car is than to install four mirror finish disc of plastic on your 85’ Accord. Your car would probably look classier with a giant penis scratched onto the hood. Similar stylistic improvements I suggest include breaking one of your windows and taping a trash bag over it (tinted windows!), or slashing all of your tires (low-profiles!).

Couch Armrest Covers: Hey the 1980’s called, and they said that you’re a fag. These covers are kept clean to convey the image of a spotless couch for those people not fortunate enough to have a washer dryer that you can fit your couch in. One notable advantage is that you get to pick them up 7 times a day because they don’t stay on. Couch still reeks of urine, but hey, at least the arm rests look good.

Land Phone Lines: I’m trying to figure out how to justify buying a phone 4 times the size of a cell, setting a limit on the range, and charging for long distance. It’s almost as bad as choosing Arby’s over Wendy’s, but not nearly as bad as that analogy. Sorry, grandparents.

Condoms: Oh, good idea. I'll put a piece of really, really tight rubber around my dick. Maybe that will help me not feel my girlfriend's vagina. Prego is so in right now.

Long Division: Everyone has a calculator on their phone.