War

by Chris Richman on April 25, 2007

Two College Guys
Mark sits at a table with cards, Chad enters.

Mark: Hey man.

Chad: What’s up?

Mark: Wanna play “War?”

Chad: No man, not after what happened last time...

Mark: Oh come on, don’t be a pussy.

Chad:...Ok, fine. But I’m going to win this time. (SITS)

Mark: That’s what I’m talking about! (DEALS DECK) I’ll even let you go first, since you said you got cheated last time.

Chad:You know you cheated me. But you're going down, brother.

Mark: (When the cards are all dealt, claps his hands together in anticipation) Ok, go for it.

Chad:Ok...let’s start with something easy....Jennifer Lopez. (PUTS DOWN CARD)

Mark: (PUTS DOWN CARD) I’d do her.

Chad:(PLACES CARD ON TOP OF CARD) I’d do her hard.

Mark: (THE CARD PLACING CONTINUES EACH TIME A GUY TRIES TO OUTDO THE OTHER) I’d do her so hard she’d get another divorce.

Chad:I’d do her so hard she’d go by “Jenny from the Cock.”

Mark: Ohhh...good one.

Chad:Thanks. (SCOOPS CARDS) Your turn.

Mark: Okay...Angelina Jolie. (AGAIN THE CARD PLACING STARTS)

Chad:I’d do her.

Mark: I’d do her hard.

Chad:I’d raid her tomb.

Mark: Nice, but predictable...I’d stick it in her Shark Tale.

Chad:I’d do her so hard she’d be Gone in Sixty Seconds.

Mark: I’d do her so hard she’d call me her Bone Collector.

Chad: I’d....damn, you take them.

Mark: (SCOOPS CARDS) Thank you. Okay, the turn is yours.

Chad: Okay...your mom.

Mark: No! That’s fucked up!

Chad: Would you do her?

Mark: Of course not!

Chad:Then give me a card.

Mark: You’re a bastard...If that’s how you want to play, then how about this? Your sister! (SLAPS CARD DOWN)

Chad: ...........I’d do her. Okay, enough of that cheap shit. Let’s get down to it.

Mark: Bring it on.

Chad:Colleen. (PUTS DOWN A CARD)

Mark: The Irish chick from Poly-sci?

Chad:Yup.

Mark: I’d McDo her!

Chad:I’d McDo her hard.

Mark: I’d do her so hard she would STOP drinking.

Chad:I’d do her so hard she would yearn for the warm embrace of her alcoholic father.

Mark: I’d do her so hard her freckles would fall off.

Chad:Oh man!

Mark: Hah! (SCOOPS UP CARDS) Okay, this could be the last one...Becky.

Chad: Which one is she?

Mark: The one from Wisconsin...she grew up on that dairy farm?

Chad:Oh yeah, her...okay, I’d do her.

Mark: I’d do her hard.

Chad:I’d do her until the cows came home.

Mark: I’d do her until the cows came home, and then I’d do the cows.

Chad:I’d do her in so many holes you’d think she was swiss cheese.

Mark: I’d do her for so long she’d ask me to leave her a-provolone.

Chad:I’d do her for an hour, and then I’d let her go down on me until I bleu cheese all over her face.

Mark: I’d, uh....Oh man, you win.

Chad:Thank you, thank you. Now if you don’t mind, I gotta call my sister