I Think My Girlfriend Is One of Those Girl Victims You Always See In Horror Movies

Me: What do you want to do tonight, babe?

Her:
I don't know. Let's go down to the basement and talk about it.

Me:
Why do you always want to go to the basement? It's dark, and wet, and gross.

Her:
Ugh, you're so not spontaneous.

We hear shattered glass and heavy breathing.

Me: Did you hear that?

Her:
Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?

Me:
Nine’s enough.

Her:
Quick, turn off the lights!

Me:
Turn them off? Why?

Her:
That’s what it said to do in the forbidden videotape I watched to calm down after I was in that hit-and-run.

Me:
Why don’t we go to Chili’s and – wait, what?

Her:
Hey, there's some kind of tunnel over here that leads underground! And a trail of what appears to be red paint… I love art! Let's see where it leads.

Me:
Sweetie, please.

Her:
It'll be fun. We can recite dark incantations to pass the time. "Non bagno te, bagno il tuo cuore! Che sempre pił tu mi possa amare…"

Me:
How did you possibly know that? You don't know what these words can –

Her:
Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice!

Me:
Now you're just being ridiculous.

Her:
Ooh, look. An ancient torture device from the Middle Ages.

She lies down on it.

Me:
I really don't feel comfortable –

Her:
"Ooh, look at me, I'm a sex-starved serf from 1455, take me now before I get my eyes scooped out with these big old rusty spikes!"

Me:
Stop that.

Her:
WHY? EVEN IF THERE WAS A SERIAL KILLER HERE, I BET HE WOULDN'T HAVE THE BALLS TO MURDER US!

Me:
Jesus, lower your voice! Or at least don't yell inflammatory statements!

Close by, we hear the sound of knives being sharpened and a maniacal laugh.

Her: BRB, I'm gonna hop in the shower.
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