My Summer Internship Welcomes Me

by Nelson Greaves on June 29, 2007

Hello future leader. Welcome to the bustling world of business at Jashoda Industries. First of all, thank you for showing interest in our particular field. Rest assured, we have as much interest in you as you do in us. That’s what it means to be a part of ___________(insert field).

We know you have questions. At Jashoda, taking the time to sit with each of our interns to discuss their goals and concerns is exactly the type of thing we have no tolerance for. Instead, here’s a letter. Each morning and afternoon, you will be entrusted with the sacred task of navigating fluid dispensing stations with names like Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts and retrieving those fluids which make us feel so good. No job could be more fun. It’s so fun, it’s almost like you should pay us for letting you do it. To make up for this, the internship is unpaid.

“What about my coworkers?” you ask. Think back to when you were a child. You had fun names for everything, right? Our people will also have fun names for you. These names might sound like unmentionable obscenities, but trust us when we say, there is no higher compliment than having your superior yell, “Hey you summer intern piece of sh*t, where the f*ck is my coffee. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, your superior will show you the greatest sign of respect by testing how quickly you can avoid heavy flying objects. Last summer, 14 interns were hospitalized because THEY WEREN’T UP TO THE CHALLENGE! Get ready to show them up.

Most internships make you stand around watching the business happen. At Jashoda, our interns jump in from day one and get their hands dirty with the grit and grime of “business”. This is why we provide rubber gloves for daily “fun runs” to the dumpsters out back. And on weekends after you’ve finished sweeping, mopping, and waxing that “business” off of our floors, we hope you won’t look up the applicable labor laws because you’re too tired, or as we say at Jashoda, “Dangerously funned out.”

Being an intern is the most fun you’ll ever have. To prove it, just sign below to “enlist” in a successful future. Good Luck Soldier.

X_______________________

[By signing this, I hereby agree never to sue Jashoda Industries or any of its affiliates. I also acknowledge that I consciously attempted to sustain any and all injuries, bodily harms, and diseases from which I currently suffer and I recognize that Jashoda played no part in the planning, development, or execution of these disasters and diseases. Additionally, I acknowledge that I am legally enlisting in the army and will report to duty upon the completion of my internship. Finally, I renounce the protections offered to me by the following amendments: I, III, VI, IX, XIII.]

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