Dear Journal,

This week I’m heading back to perform in Erie, Pennsylvania. Erie and I have a bit of a past. A few years back I made fun of their zoo during a television appearance. In my bit I talked about going to the Erie Zoo and it was just like the guy in town with the most animals. The tour guide was like, “These are the penguins.” And I was like, “That’s a dog.”

“And this is the hammerhead shark.” And I was like, “That’s a half a can of tuna fish.”

Well, the good people of Erie were watching that day, and they sent me a few heartfelt emails and more than a few veiled death threats. And when I last performed in Erie I was watching my back, I was also watching my front, you know, for bullets, knives, punches, that sort of thing.

But the people of Erie are a gentle people, or they forgot about the joke, or most of them never saw it to begin with. The point is nobody tried to kill me, and that’s nice.

The Erie zookeeper even came to my show and gave me a backstage tour of the zoo. No, he wouldn’t let me free the tigers and then try to catch them again with a giant net—but he did introduce me to the polar bear.

And when the polar bear died the next day, I swear that I had nothing to do with it. I thought that polar bears liked pop rocks and coke.

So this week I’m headed back to Erie. The zookeeper will be there for Thursday’s shows and I’ve sponsored four animals at the Erie Zoo, including a spider monkey, a red-ruffed lemur, a red panda, and a half a can a tuna fish.

And I’ve even had show posters hand-printed for the event to raise money for the Erie Zoo...

And if no one buys one, the zoo has promised to line the monkey cages with them, so that monkeys can poop on my face.

And that concludes this week’s entry in My Secret Public Journal.