Diagnosis

by Patrick Cassels on July 23, 2007

Thanks for coming in today. Why don't you have a seat? You've been a strong patient, so I'm not going to sugar coat this for you. I'm just gonna give it to you straight. Okay, here goes. Your test results came back this morning, and it appears that a sprightly young pixie found its way from the Realm of Peppermint Dreams and decided to take a nap on your liver. Isn't that great? All that discomfort you've been feeling in your lower abdomen is just your new enchanted friend snoozing all the live-long day. What fun! Right?

Oh gosh! You know what? I just remembered something. When I was in doctor school, my super-smart teacher Mr. Genius told me liver pixies can sometimes get oh so hungry that they get all gwumpy and spread to the kidneys and prostate! What ever will we do? I know! I'll write you a prescription for some magical pixie gumdrops. When you swallow them, he'll be able to fill his tiny belly as much as his pixie heart desires. Just be sure not to take the pixie gumdrops within two hours of eating, and contact me immediately if you experience any nausea or vomiting in the coming weeks.

Geez. This pixie seems so neat. I wish I could see him. But he's inside you. Wait a minute! I just got this really neat new camera that actually takes pictures inside your entire body. Isn't that cool? Why don't you come by next week and we'll have a few gallons of water, shave our body hair off, remove all the metal from our bodies, and do a little, you know, photo shoot for him? Make a day of it, you know? In fact, what the heck, let's do it every week. Twice a week. For the next two months.

I'll have Nancy at the front schedule you for our super-fun photo days. This is gonna be great. We're gonna beat this God-damned pixie. I promise you. Be strong.

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Patrick Cassels

Purchase College

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