Cents and Sensibility

A unique peek into the fascinating world of finance by lovable tycoons Thaddeus William Cornrich, III and Alexander Winthorpe Beauford, Jr.

Thaddeus: My dear Alexander, did you happen to notice the precipitous drop in the market these past few days? I'd barely finished my croissant when I heard on the box only moments ago that it has dropped over 500 points this week alone.

Alexander: I most certainly have heard, my good sir. But it is not for concern.

Thaddeus: But is this not only fulfilling the prophecy of which you spoke last month? You did say the market was due for a major correction which itself would act as a harbinger to further disaster. I should like to have thought you were merely winded from your game of polo to have made such a proud proclamation that fine afternoon. Yet now I believe you a seer indeed, sir.

Alexander: No seer am I. However, I do recall also mentioning on that day that this correction would be due to a disruption stemming from Shanghai. I suppose you missed that part when you graciously went to refill my snifter with heavenly Louis XIII. Looking at the news reports only moments ago only confirms what I said.

Thaddeus: Then it is also true what you said of the Chinese market some weeks ago.

Alexander: Ah yes, that it is a harsh and unpredictable mistress that at times  lashes the world with her ferocity. She is not unlike the myriad prostitutes and strumpets I encountered upon my bed during my stay in Beijing only two weeks ago.

Thaddeus: Why Alexander, I did not know you the type to dip your wand in the  rice paddy. Good form, say I.

Alexander: A most humble thank you. Although tender spankings and whippings were not the best things I encountered during my stay. I happened to procure through the good will of the Ministry of Information this exceedingly rare and valuable walking stick. It is appraised now at over $90,000 dollars.

Thaddeus: I say Alexander, it is a more exquisite thing than I have ever known. Is that a polished diamond affixed to the gold seal atop the handle?

Alexander: It most certainly is, my most inquisitive gentleman. And I should have you know that it serves not only as a dazzle to the eye but protector to the body. Just this morning when I visited the market a most disreputable and filthy fellow accosted me at the street corner.

Thaddeus: Dreadfulness! This must have been a most fearful ruffian, this beggar of which you speak. Whatever did you do then my brave sir?

Alexander: I beat him about the head, naturally, until the authorities arrived and carted him away. A good several years in confinement should teach him to ask for loose change in so odorous a condition as he was. Once Gulliver arrived in my Rolls Royce I returned home at once and promptly bathed myself thrice to cast off the offending odors.

Thaddeus: And a good thing as well. For tonight are you not due to call upon Miss Catherine Haddaway of the Belmont Estate for a date featuring theatrical amusement at Buttress Hall?

Alexander: I mostly certainly am, Thaddeus. I had all but forgotten in the moment, and had I neglected to join Miss Haddaway tonight I should have been forced to pay the guards at the Central Jail to beat my attacker again for her sake.

Thaddeus: Tis true. Only a cheeky fellow cancels a date to Buttress Hall. However, I thought we had put the practice of bribing prison guards to bed.

Alexander: Well it shall not go to bed if by it going to bed dear Catherine shall be kept from my bed.

Thaddeus: Tahahahaha! Oh my dear Alexander, you do amuse me so. But before you leave for your romantic quest, you must tell me the meaning of this miniature market crash that is causing such a hellish hullabaloo.

Alexander: I would worry more about your factories in Malaysia, my dear Thaddeus. I happened upon a chance to visit when I left Beijing and was all but shocked that your managers had raised the minimum pay from seven cents to  11 cents an hour.

Thaddeus: Impossible!

Alexander: It is so, sir.

Thaddeus: I must leave at once then and correct this outrageous impertinence.  11 cents an hour! That equals $14 a day in lost revenue. The veritable equivalent of that rascal you had put away this morn reaching into my vest pocket and plucking out my billfold. The horror!

Alexander: I would not be surprised to see that all of this market trouble is due to a sudden rash of philanthropy in the Asian industrial arena. Of which you are a victim! Go at once you must, sir. Fix this abominable good will free for all and you shall have saved the portfolios of the rest of us. A savior you shall be.

Thaddeus: Never I a savior will be, but I shall do my best!

Alexander: God speed good sir!

Thaddeus: Onward in excellence!

Alexander: Excellence, indeed!