Clarissa Explains It All: Detroit

by Dan Gurewitch on August 16, 2007

Clarissa: Ugh, two tests tomorrow and I haven’t done any of my chores. What am I gonna do?

A ladder is set against her window.

Clarissa: Hey, Sam. (*Guitar riff!*)
Thief: Where’s your money?
Clarissa: Who are you?
Thief: I’m a guy who saw an open window and a ladder, and has three sons to feed.
Clarissa: I only get twelve dollars allowance!

*Knocks*

Clarissa: Ugh, buzz off, Ferg Face!
Ferguson: (entering) Give me back the computer game you borro-

*Gunshot*

Ferguson: You shot me in the knees!
Thief: (leaving) Was it me? Or was it our f***ed up society?

*Ladder*

Clarissa: Hey, Sam. (*Guitar riff!*)
Murderer: Sam is dead. I’m a serial killer that preys on innocence and naivete. Between the open window and the ladder, it’s like you stepped out of one of my dark, twisted dreams.

*Knocks*

Clarissa: Not now, Mom. Ugh!
Marshall and Janet Darling: (entering) We heard a racket and thought –

The murderer shoots Mr. Darling in the head. He tosses a second gun to Ferguson.

Murderer: Execute your mother, and I’ll spare you.
Ferguson: (crying) I can’t do it!

The murderer shoots Ferguson and Mrs. Darling, then leaves.

Clarissa: Ugh, now my bed is so gross.

*Ladder*

Clarissa: Hey, Sam. (*Guitar riff!*)
Sam: Hey.
Clarissa: I thought you were dead?
Sam: I’m bleeding out. I’ve only got a few minutes left. Hide this blow over there in the sandbox with the baby alligator.

*Ladder*

Clarissa: Hey, Sam. (*Guitar riff!*)
Sam: I’m already here. That’s a rapist.
Rapist: Even a screen would have bought you some time.