Every Beach Lifeguard Conversation Ever

by Brian Paulsen on August 20, 2007

A guy and a girl lifeguard sit atop their high wooden chair.

Guy: I’m particularly handsome this afternoon.
Girl: And I’m particularly beautiful.
Guy: Did you know I’m the star of the swim team? I have six all-county medals, one for each of my abs.
Girl: Your sunblock-covered nose makes me want to tear off this red one-piece and ride you like a wave.
Guy: All in good time.
Girl: Want to take these kayaks out for a spin, to look impressive?
Guy: When I’m done.
Girl: Done doing what?
Guy: Spinning this keychain around my finger exactly 314 times.
Girl: I should yell at that huge Mexican family with the loud boombox, but I feel like it will affect my tan.
Guy: Three kids were pulled into the riptide this morning while I was arranging the rescue floats around this chair.
Girl: They’re so f***ing symmetrical. Let’s go down on each other later.
Guy: I have the stamina of a mountain lion.
Girl: Look like we’re paying attention on “three.” 1, 2, 3.

Both lifeguards stand up, blow their whistles, and wave their arms arbitrarily.

Guy: 312, 313… 314.
Girl: Kayak time.