My Rejected Snapple 'Real Facts'

by Ryan Kraemer on August 21, 2007
Do you love Snapple? So do I. It is a dream of mine to one day write ‘Real Facts’ for Snapple caps. All my attempts up to now have failed due to what Snapple refers to as ‘factual errors’, whatever that means. However, here are some of my favorite rejected attempts. (This list is best enjoyed with a delicious Apple Snapple.)
  • The original man purse was actually designed and adorned by purse designer Becky Mann. The misunderstanding that followed was purely accidental.
  • Nike’s ‘Just do it’ slogan was decided upon after the previous suggested slogan ‘maybe, if you have some free time later, you could’ was rejected for being ‘too pansy assed’.
  • Theater is slowly losing its reputation as a sport for the gays.
  • Neither one of us is actually rubber or glue.
  • English stole Science’s high school girlfriend. Science retaliated by not following English’s stupid i before e except after c rule.
  • Washington was the only president elected unanimously, receiving all 69 of the electoral votes cast. His response, “Booyah”, has been a large part of owning ever since.
  • The Hoover Dam is America’s middle finger to the beaver. Ha, finger to the beaver.
  • Owning a hatchback vehicle is a successful form of abstinence.
  • The cooler is constantly trying to reach the level of coolest.
  • When worn by a midget a mini-skirt is acceptably referred to as just a skirt.
Those were some tasty ‘Real Facts’.
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