1. Pack washing machine as tightly as possible. Include anything you would like clean. Clothing is a great starting point. It will provide cushioning for your more delicate items. The laundry machine can also safely and effectively clean dishes, wallets and even iPods.

About 1/4 of a load

2. Add soap, close the door, put in your quarters and hit start. It’s that easy. To get your items as clean as possible, you’ll want to choose the hottest and most violent cycles. Does your washer have a car-crash cycle with both volcanic and cold water wash? That’ll do. The turbulence will smash the grass stains right out of your jeans, while the fiery waters will turn your boring whites into new and exciting colors.

Soap choice is also important. Any laundry detergent will do, but if you really want to give your clothes that new-car shine then dish soap is the way to go.

3. You’ve got some time to chill out. Go play Halo, or hit on someone in the laundry room. You’re doing laundry, that has responsibility written all over it. Girls think that's sexy for some reason. If you’re smooth you may get in a quickie before your clothes are clean. Sweet dude, high five!

4. When the buzzer sounds your washing machine should literally be vomiting bubbles. That’s how you know you’ve used enough soap and your clothes are really, really clean. If the floor isn’t completely covered in bubbles you didn’t use enough soap. BONUS: the laundry room now doubles as a foam party.

5. Run. You need to get out of there as fast as possible. Bring all of your clothes and any incriminating evidence with you. Someone is going to have hell to pay for flooding the laundry room with soap suds, let it be someone else.

Congratulations! Your clothes are clean. Wait 48 hours to air dry, pat yourself on the back and you’re ready for a night on the town. Your parents are going to be so proud.

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