Ah, Freshman Orientation. A time of wonder, excitement, and opportunity. It is at this time that newcomers to the college are busy moving in, meeting with advisors, and learning all about how totally far they're going to go. The faculty and staff are busy setting up their offices and classrooms, rearranging their bookshelves, and serving hot dogs. And you, my friend, being the sophomore, junior, senior, or senior senior that you are, are ready to take advantage of the hustle and bustle. Whether you're after food, free stuff, or the freshmen themselves, here are some simple tips that can help you score. And stay out of jail.

Food:
Want a free hot dog? Sure you do! (Who doesn't?) How about five!? With many dining halls closed before the official start of school, the college will often provide food to hungry freshmen and their parents. Though these will usually be reserved for the said parties, you too can get a hold of this delicious food that in no way accurately reflects the quality of the food you will be eating for the rest of the year.

To start, simply enter the line, avoiding the back if at all possible. If questioned, pretend to be a frightened and confused freshman that has lost his parents, as well as his nametag. The faculty will try to comfort you, offering you food and a table to eat at until you can reunite with your lost family members. Based on my own trials, 78% of the time this works every time. If you have a significant amount of facial hair, do not attempt to impersonate a freshman. Instead, leave the area.


Free Stuff:

First off, check out whatever tents and stands may be up around campus. A football from the Athletic Department's Ticket Booth, a frisbee from the Foreign Exchange Program's tent, a laundry bag from the Book Store... the possibilities are limited only by the number of pamphlets you are willing to take.

Looking for some speakers for that awesome iPod station player that you just bought? Need it cheap? Here's your chance! Plenty of freshmen will be moving in with all the great stuff that they purchased for their new place. Their dreams of holding a Wii Tennis tournament will be crushed upon realizing the actual dimensions of their living quarters. This is your cue to offer to take anything that can't fit in their room for a "fair price."

If the freshman is resistant to your offer, tell him that he can "totally buy it back at the end of the year for the same price." At this point, place your hand on the freshman's shoulder and smile. This gesture of friendship will almost definitely cause him to trust you. Be wary, however, if the freshman later begins to become overly friendly with you. You do not want to be known as the dude who hangs out with freshmen. Above all, do NOT, under any circumstances, mention your ability to procure alcohol in his presence.

Additionally, if you have entered a girls' hall or dorm, be cautious. Perverts often take advantage of the move-in season, and you do not want to be falsely (or accurately) accused. If questioned, claim that you are helping a sister, or friend, move in. If you have a significant amount of facial hair, get out of there.


Freshmen:
Though by no means women, freshman girls can have their perks. Being the knowledgeable and experienced man that you are, you may have the opportunity to teach the pure, unlearned virgin the ways of flesh- err, uh...

Start by making yourself seen and heard wherever freshman girls may be. Offer to help move them in, and be friendly with her parents. After her stuff is taken care of, offer to take her and her parents on a tour of the school. If you don't know shit about the history of your college, don't fret. Simply make stuff up, using the following template:

"This it the ______(foreign-sounding name) building. It was named after (Mr./Professor) ______(SAME foreign-sounding name). It has a totally awesome (statue/portrait/fountain/printing station) in the lobby."

Don't forget to throw in legends about ghosts and secret rooms, too. Girls love that stuff. Once either your feet or penis start hurting, suggest that the parents go check out the history or art museum on campus, while you and your beautiful arm-attachment check out the student lounge (which you make clear is for students only, even if this is not the case). Then, quickly escort the swooning maiden to your own lair, so as not to disturb passers-by with your massive erection. Lift her up into your loft, and begin to make sweet, sweet- heh, um... what? Oh, if you have a significant amount of facial hair, tickle her pink.

[Editor's Note: Upon speaking with the author, it has been clarified that the final phrase of the article was indeed referring to the tendency of one's face to turn pink after being tickled. It was not, in fact, a slang-term for the vagina. The author apologizes for any offense, confusion, or erections caused by his negligence.]