How To Take a Shower in a Dorm

7:00 A.M.: Alarm to wake up for 8:00 A.M. class

7:05 A.M.: Hit snooze button again.

7:10 A.M.: Hit snooze button again.

7:30 A.M.: Roommate throws granola bar at your face because you’ve been sleeping through your alarm for twenty minutes.

7:31 A.M.: Walk to shower after successfully hiding erection in waistband.

7:32 A.M.: Walk back to room for shampoo.

7:33 A.M.: Get undressed in shower.

7:34 A.M.: Get dressed, walk back to room for towel.

7:40 A.M.: Actual shower done. Fake sneeze several times. Listen for “Bless you.”

7:40 A.M. and 12 seconds: Masturbate.

7:42 A.M.: Sound of other shower stall turning on. Stop masturbating.

7:45 A.M.: Several sneezes heard.

7:45 A.M. and 9 seconds: Loud moaning and utterances of “Oh yeah” from other stall.

7:45 A.M. and 24 seconds: Loudly clear throat.

7:46 A.M.: Moaning continues. Shower officially over. Towel off as loudly as possible.

7:47 A.M.: Open curtain to discover strangely religious autistic kid was making sounds as part of normal praying/toweling off process.

7:47 A.M. and 1 second: Feel bad.

7:48 A.M.: Return to room. Roommate already gone for 8:00 A.M. class.

7:48 A.M. and 1 second: Masturbate.

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