An Idea Regarding Tasers

by Jake Hurwitz on September 24, 2007

There's a lot of controversy over this crazy tasering incident at the University of Florida. Whether the kid deserved to have gotten the sh*t tazed out of him or not we can at least all agree that he sounded like a huge douche bag. That much aside, I think I've got some awesome ideas that will help America and her beautiful people avoid future conflicts.

Spiders: Hear me out! Imagine you're resisting arrest like an idiot and all of the sudden a cop pulls out a jar of enormous spiders. "Don't make me do this," he threatens. "Don't spider me, bro!" He begins to loosen the lid before you agree to go quietly.

Larger Spiders: A lot like the first idea, only bigger and scarier. Cops walking the toughest beats get the biggest spiders.

Scorpions: This is for all those cops out there going to concerts in riot gear, arming themselves with rubber bullets. Well f*ck that man. Scorpions. Scorpions are the new rubber bullets. Crazed DMB fans setting fire to a Volvo? Scorpion those bastards.

Black Widow Spiders: Serial killers beware. From now on cops don't burst into houses brandishing firearms. From now on it's "Come out with your hands up, we have your house surrounded by black widows..." Next thing you know you'll hear, "Don't black Widow me, bro!" And another bad guy is off the street.

Much Larger Spiders: Bomb threats, terrorist attacks, presidential assassination attempts. The more dire the emergency, the more massive the spiders. It's. That. F*cking. Simple.

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