Self Help Books that Should Be Used to Prepare for College

by Hilary on October 10, 2007
We all had to read that “classics” like Beowulf, The Odyssey, and Cyrano de Bergerac. But what real life lesson did you learn from The Canterbury Tales? Besides the fact that memorizing the what-the-hell-is-this-supposed-to-mean Prologue, to recite in front of your entire class, was impossible. How about some books that actually prepare you for college? Here are a few:

1984…..0? No wait, 7: How to Remember Your New Zip Code

Figuring out your new address can be tough! So many letters and numbers to remember! Use this simple guide full of pneumonic devices to help you remember where you live. Nothing shouts Freshman like not knowing your school zip code!

Frankenstein-Mart

Why spend a lot of money on new clothes and furniture? You need that precious dough for a fake ID and beer. This helpful book will guide you in dumpster diving for electronics (that walkman with a broken ear phone was awesome!) and raiding the laundry room.

Of Mice and Minestrone: A Guide to Pest Control

So, you’ve ditched the dorm for a living situation that is a little more Frat-tastic, because your bros totally need you to be available 24/7. The thing about living in a frat house is that they can be a little messy. Unless you like having mice living in your favorite bag of cereal, you might want to clean up. Chicks don’t dig cockroaches man, and nothing is more annoying than some chick shrieking in fear every couple of minutes during Lost.

Chyme and Punishment

Ahhh the joys of binge drinking. One day you might gain an ounce of self control and realize your limits, but not yet my friend! Learn how to avoid vomiting (beer before liquor, never been sicker!) and get rid of that nasty hangover.

The House of Seven Tables: Beer Pong Table Construction

This is the ultimate how-to guide on scoring hot chicks! You think having seven or more beer pong tables is excessive? You are mistaken my friend! EVERYONE knows you need one table per home football game, plus a table or two with lights and a built-in waterfall to clean those dirty balls (what you do in the privacy of your own frat is up to you).

Moby Dick: Don’t Be the DUFF

Feeling the effects of the Freshman 15? Perhaps you are feeling squishy around the edges, or have suddenly grown a blow hole and can hold your breathe for aREALLY long time, which is actually kind of cool. Some dude shooting a harpoon at you might be an indicator that it’s time to lose weight. No one really wants to be the Dumb Ugly Fat Friend in a group of hott chicks. This guide to weight lose is your ultimate tool in getting laid. Learn how to eat less (anorexia is just a term fat people use because they are jealous of your hott bod), exercise more, and reel in the hotties! Remember, college is all about trying new things and cocaine is the best weightlose substance available. Caution: this book will not prevent the spread of sexually transmitted illnesses
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