So I volunteer at a local middle school with my neighbor Lon every now and then because I'm a nice person and nice people volunteer at local middle schools. Usually I do stuff like social science tid-bits because Lon teaches science but he's a physics guy and hates people. But the other day Lon got the news that he had to do the three day sex education seminar with the boys and I immediately jumped on the opportunity - I mean, sex and middle school boys? I'm there.

It was a lot of fun because you get some really stupid questions but most importantly you get to clear up some myths about sex. Like, some of the boys actually thought sex was enjoyable for the woman. Because the school follows the whole abstinence only thing, which Lon and I hate, we both decided it would be best to just circumvent the whole thing and do whatever we wanted. So we told them the straight snap. Here are some of my favorite quotes.

"On this slide we have the butterfly position, and on this one the reverse cowgirl."

"A lot of you believe that you should wait to have sex until you're married. This is because you're repressed homosexuals."

"If you want to get a girl to let you put it in her ass, this is what you have to tell her..."

"Just so you know, we have both had sex with a LOT of women. So many women. I don't even remember some of their names. This is what separates us from you little shits. Except for you, Daniel. You're a straight-up player."

"Don't believe half the crap they tell you in this brochure. Most of this stuff goes away with a pill and a hot shower, and the other stuff can only be caught by gay men."

"Good question. By safe sex we mean sex when her parents or boyfriend aren't around."

"Pay attention, because what we're telling you here will be relevant for the rest of your lives. Well, probably not in your life, Andy. For god's sake it is called bathing - give it a shot."

"By this point, if your dicks aren't at least 5 inches long you might consider suicide."

"Ms. Hutchinson is a fucking MINK."

"So let's pretend this skeleton is Ms. Hutchinson. Watch how after I push her up against this wall, I'm raising her left leg up so that her foot rests on my shoulder."

"Ok, this is what a condom looks like. Before you have sex, pretend like you've put one on."

I think those were the highlights. Anyone remember any more?