Now now, I know what you are thinking. “You can get high off cheese?! Sign me up! I love Parmesan, Swiss, Gouda, American, hell I’ll eat any cheese if you are telling me it can get me high.” Can cheese really get you high? The answer is yes; however, it’s not the coagulated milk we know and love as cheese. This is a new and illegal type of cheese, cheese heroin. This new drug, a mixture of crushed up Tylenol PM and Fordham’s drug of choice, black-tar heroin, looks exactly like grated parmesan cheese; however, you wouldn’t let granny put it on her pasta. There are two stories about how this drug mixture got its name. Not only does its consistency look like grated cheese, the name cheese could’ve originated out of the word chiva, slang for heroin. Just as with the devil’s grass Marijuana, the government warns people that this wacky cheese is coming out of Mexico in an attempt to scare them out of using it. For once, the feds’ warning should be taken because cheese is highly dangerous, deadly, and totally last year.

I know you are all wonder, how do I consume this cheese? Do I eat it like I eat normal cheese? Do you sprinkle it on top of your chicken role? No silly, this is cheese heroin and you insufflate (snort) it straight to the dome. It’s a deadly combo of two downers, diphenhydramine and heroin, whose synergy can stop the users heart. The DEA refers to it as starter heroin, although I’m not really sure how that works because cheese ends lives before the user can move onto real heroin.
I’m sure by know you want to know how much it is and where can you get some. The answer is dirt cheap and anywhere close to the boarder. Selling for 10 bucks for half a gram, you and all your friends can die for a bargain. But please don’t, I’ll feel kind of bad and might lose some sleep. Doing cheese is a bad choice because heroin is a bad choice. The magic behind cheese’s success is that users don’t think they are doing such a serious drug, after all is looks just like a little parmesan that didn’t make it onto the dinner plate. School officials in Texas say cheese is as big of a problem as pot. This might confuse you at first, if you’re asking: “since when has pot been a problem?” What they are trying to say is it’s a common as pot. Here maybe an analogy will help: Cheese is to kids in Texas as Blowouts are to kids at Howl.

So I’m sure none of you would ever want to do cheese, but lets say you want to acquire some to see if it smelt like real cheese, where would you go? To the middle schools, of course! Yep, kids as young as middle school get caught with the cheese. Dallas police detective Monty Moncibais came to a local Dallas middle school to talk about cheese. He asked the auditorium full kids if any of them knew somebody who used cheese and practically everybody’s hand went up. At another point in his lecture, Moncibais mentioned that the United States has the highest rate of drug users in the world and guess the response he got: the middle schoolers cheered. I’m not saying cheese deaths are natural selection, but I’m not saying they aren’t.

If you are worried about associating with a cheese user unknowingly, not to worry, the people arrested in association with cheesing are mainly Hispanic or Caucasian; so just avoid those two races. In case you are ever in close proximity to people using cheese, you will want to known some cheese user vocabulary so you can win a game of heroin induced charades if needed. Cheesed: the coma-like state of being on cheese. Example: “Bored in class, all little Timmy wanted was to get cheesed.” Cheese Freeze: the state of shock after getting caught masturbating by your roommates’ mother, while on cheese. Ex: “You must let me know when your mom is in town, I’m still in a cheese-freeze from last night.” Cheesus: Jesus, on cheese. Ex: “You need to stop telling everybody at Ziggy’s you are Cheesus Christ.” Strip-Cheese: a highly erotic dance preformed while on cheese. Ex: “Please stop with all these impromptu strip-cheeses, mom!” If the opportunity ever arises, saying no to cheese is easy. Think back to this famous Spanish proverb: “I don't want the cheese, I just want to get out of the trap, holmez.”