CH Video Games Weekly vs. the Nazis

Patrick: Absolutely. Considering the Nazi overtones of the original, this could potentially resurface some sore spots.

[upload:2376513:small:right:A new generation of powerful consoles will finally be able to render a game that looks like the original Bionic Commando's box art.]Jeff: I don't think the Nazis will be back because, as I recall, Super Joe defeated them once and for all at the end of the first Bionic Commando when he killed zombie Hitler.

Patrick: The new trailer was massively impressive. Watching the commando swing from his retractable arm in three dimensions made me wonder why I never questioned his tendency to only swing side-to-side in the original. Bionic Commando is that rare piece of entertainment that may actually benefit from a re-do. I'm looking at you, Tetrisphere.

Jeff: I love a good video-game-grappling-hook. My favorites are the webs in Spider-Man 2, the swingshot in Ratchet & Clank, and the giant living booger in Earthworm Jim 2. If a new Bionic Commando can't make this list, they've failed.

Patrick: Sorry Mario, springs are so last decade.

Jeff: Obviously I'll still be able to swing, but the question is will I still be able to poke bad guys with my robo-arm until they fall off a cliff.

Patrick: Or extend it in and out in rhythm to the game's amazing soundtrack. How awesome was it to hear that theme in it's updated incarnation in the preview?

Jeff: I went back and played the original after seeing the trailer, and I still can't figure out that stage selection screen. When I play a game called Bionic Commando, I don't want to see any numbers.

Patrick: Unless it's "Bionic Commando 2," that is.

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TALKING POINT: The Xbox 360 has been plagued by hardware problems, with failure rates being estimated at about 1 in 3. Is it crazy to purchase an Xbox 360?

Patrick: Of course it is. Buy three. At least one of them is bound to work!

Jeff: 1 in 3 is the official estimate, though a casual survey of my video game playing friends reveals the number is closer to "like every single one." It's probably for the best that Microsoft doesn't make airplanes.[upload:2376515:small:left:An NES may take some blowing, but at least it still sorta-works over twenty years later.]

Patrick: I tried to download instructions for fixing my 360 onto my Zune and the screen blew up. The issue is that, with systems topping out at over 500 dollars, customers with faulty systems can no longer be satisfied with a "cleaning kit" and a free subscription to Nintendo Power.

Jeff: The most tragic part is that the Xbox 360 is one of the few truly innovative Microsoft products. It does online gaming better than anyone else. It's just a shame that 33% stop working completely and have to be sent to Microsoft for two months.

Patrick: A California man named Kevin Ray recently sued Microsoft over his faulty Xbox. He settled for an undisclosed sum. Kevin Ray Vs. Microsoft may be the most significant video game ruling since Marvel Vs. Capcom.

Jeff: The problem is that you don't just buy the console. You also get $50 controllers and $60 games. There's no turning back until the Xbox 720. And that will just turn you around twice.

Patrick: ..and then break. Any gamer knows the dread of the 5 seconds before your system/game craps out. At least with NES, you could attempt to play even as the sprites got increasingly garbled. Psycho-analysts call this "Reset Denial."

Jeff: I actually lost an Xbox 360 to the infamous "red ring of death." It was right after purchasing Tony Hawk Project 8, and right before Microsoft extended the warranties. It was, without exaggeration, the saddest thing that ever happened to anyone in the world.

Patrick: I remember that period. You gained quite a bit of weight.

TALKING POINT: Camcom, on an announcement binge, also released a teaser video for Street Fighter IV. Are fighting games outdated?

Jeff: Absolutely. Street Fighter II is a landmark game, but fighting games haven't been relevant since Playstation 1. One-on-one fighting games used to be so popular that there was even a market for parody fighters, like Clay Fighter.

Patrick: How dare you! I will tear your heart out and throw you into a wall of spikes! Fighting games are still the ultimate 2-player competitive format, with the possible exception of Madden '98 or Super Puzzle Fighter.[upload:2376517:small:right:Question - Why don't Ryu and Ken just kill each other already?]

Jeff: ..and actual fighting. In the modern-day world of genre-bending games like Portal, Guitar Hero, BioShock, and nearly everything for the Wii, I'm not sure people are interested in memorizing 10-button combos

Patrick: True, although there has always been something oddly pleasurable about nailing a fatality that no "Smoke on the Water" face-melter will ever achieve.

Patrick: What I want to know is why we're getting a fourth installment of this video game when we've yet to see a second Street Fighter movie?

Jeff: Which brings up another great question - when is the next Street Fighter: The Later Years coming out? Why don't we ask CHTV screenwriter Dan Gurewitch?

Dan: ... Where am I? What's going on? I didn't ask for this. I didn't want this. Why are there no doors?

Patrick: Relax! If we panic, we die!

Jeff: JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION DAN!

Patrick: Do what he says. In this world, he is God.

Dan: Street Fighter: The Later Years 5 will be on the site tomorrow, Friday the 19th.

Jeff: The Master Control Program is pleased. Who wants to play Puzzle Fighter?

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